Bits 'n Bob's/Show 'n Tell

The Inexpressible Mystery of Standing Here.

2012-02-03T08:56:00.006+01:00

Frosty morning, don’t see no sun, I know you’re out there…

Having fun?

Dark too, maybe that’s why there’s no sun....

Crispy footsteps in the night....

Leaving, on a jet plane………

C- Ice

2012-02-02T19:13:00.002+01:00

The exception

that

proves the rule?

Surprise!

2012-02-01T23:55:00.000+01:00

“What shall I write, on this stormy night……..?

It’s not actually stormy and those aren’t really my words. It’s cold in fact – really freezing and the night, like the words are unexpected.

I’m not where intended.

And Uncle Colin, to whom the words belong, found himself elsewhere than intended though not when he said them.

Though actually, he didn’t say them, he wrote them, and he’s not my uncle – more my uncle-in-law.

Perhaps I should explain?

Someone asked him to be Father Christmas, a school I think but for sure he had never intended to be a Father Christmas.

He said yes.

He turned up.

They gave him a printed sheet of instructions.

The President's Percentage.

2012-01-31T07:14:00.000+01:00

Ok this is going to be a typical Bitsnbob mess - mainly because it starts with a tin of cat food in France and ends with President Obama in America.

Or maybe the other way round?

Do I mean cat food in America and?… no I don’t.

You see - on the whole I try not to be influenced by advertising and marketing ploys, I figure that if someone needs to tell me that I need something then I don’t need it.

I’m a big boy; I know when I need something.

Yet….

You know that film Star Wars?

I thought the light sabres were pretty cool.

I thought being a Jedi Knight was pretty cool too.

So in the supermarket, just the other day, when I found myself wandering along the cereal aisle I picked up my usual packet of muesli and then thought – hey, Emma is stopping over for the weekend I’d better get some cereal that teenagers will eat.

Hmmmmmm.

Big choice.

Then I saw it - Cocopoppy stuff.

With…

A free Jedi Knight, Star Wars endorsed, Light Sabre t-spoon !!!! (plastic)

It looks totally awesome on the packet; I had to resist ripping it open there and then.

Apparently there are four different ones to collect, and you bet I will, my consumption of Cocopops is about to escalate inter galactical(l)y – there is a pink one, a green one, a… hang on … I need the packet…….

A green Yoda spoon, a red Darth Maul spoon, a yellow/orange Anakin Skywalker spoon and a blue R2-D2 one!

This is brilliant!

I hope it’s the, er, oh wow what a choice!

I’m going to open it; I can’t wait for someone to want to eat this crap…

Damm , it’s the red villain – I really wanted an orange/yellow R2-D2, which of course isn’t on offer.

And that’s why I hate advertising.

Where is the cat food in all this?

Well, if you turn right at the end of the cereal aisle, pass the yoghurts and the soap powder and head to the far corner you’ll come to the cat department.

It’s right next to the birdseed.

I picked up a jumbo bag of seed for wild winged visitors.

Incidentally, I’m having a problem with the birds at the moment – and it might be this brand of seed.

I have a suspended bird feeder thingy, which you can fill up with seed and I suspended it because I have four cats.

The birds come, the cats drool but they can’t reach them

Hey- can’t – I just wrote can’t and I want to get onto President Obama, is this the opportunity?

Do you remember his victory speech in Chicago?

Of course you can.

Well…, ok, I’d better finish the bit about the birds first.

Oh, forget it, it’s not essential – having a link, or segue into President Obama is much more important.

Because on the shelves of stuff for felines there was a boxed set of cat food – Felix – with a catchy slogan on the packaging.

Yes we cat!

I was tempted.

Then I saw that the box also contained a free plastic cat toy!

Ok, not a Light Sabre-Toothed Toy (sabre-tooth tiger – gettit?) but Jedi can’t be choosers.

So I got it.

I wonder if President Obama gets a commission?

A purrcentage?

A Multistory Carp-park.

2012-01-30T07:03:00.000+01:00

The other day i posted an erratum.

Then, i read this - and saw that there was a typing mistake - "car park" was written as "carp park".

I should erratum the erratum.

But you know waht?

Ooops, sorry, that's meant to be What!?

I like it!

AND, it's my birthday (i've decided to prolong it).

So i'm leaving it unerrated.

A(n) (oldernative) Thought of The Day

2012-01-29T13:27:00.003+01:00

How ‘y’er feeling?

Older, and you?

Alter.

Alter?

Older ego! Alter ego, older/alter gettit?

Is that meant to be funny? When are you going to grow up, how old are you?

Almost as alt as you!!! he he he he he he

What are you doing?

Trying to start an oldercation!!!!! guffaw

note from editor

today’s thought of the day, a Bitsnbobs Sunday special service, explained here, ends at this point because the alter ego dissolves into laughter....

A Bummer.

2012-01-28T20:55:00.006+01:00

Woke at 8 – damm, too early - today of all days I wanted to lie in.

I used to wake never before 11…… but that was a very long time ago indeed……..

Hey, there’s a cat on the corner of the bed, black, soft, sweet….

Foot hurts, bummer…

No messages on the phone, bummer…

Tea?

Yeah….

Climb down, meet more cats, say hello, look in mirror – pff.

Kitchen, hey, what’s this?

Cake, cards, parcels and Clementine slices in a circle around it all.

Yum!

Hmmm, surprises, the kids did that – shall I wake them?

No, let them sleep, kettle, tea, back to bed, write this.

Check emails, no messages, bummer….

Read the newspaper, play a game, look out window…..

Someone’s up, spot daughter’s legs – “hello”

No answer…

Music starts playing – Altered Images, a ritual in this house.

Cat leaves …. son, daughter and babysitee replace.

Happy birthday, thanks, breakfast?

OOOOOH parcels, open them, cards too and flapjacks from the babysitee – but I have to give the tin back.

A shame, nice tin.

Hey – I got a card from the cats!

My niece sent me a bag of rubbish – it’s another ritual.

Contents – rubbish.

Wash up.

Put washing up away.

Babysitte shows me this on youtube, I show her this.

Look out window, it’s raining, cold rain, snow-is-somewhere-else rain.

Make lunch.

Wash up.

Walk through cold rain to car, watch daughter drive to piano lesson.

“hey you look nice”

“yeah I got dressed up for your birthday”

Wow.

She didn’t know it was raining then.

Sit in car outside piano teachers house, write this, take photo of rain splashes in bucket.

Think, is my birthday over?

Drive daughter to dance class, sit in car watch rain, fall asleep…

Walk to bar, wait in corner with hot chocolate, meet old drunk who says – you never look any older.

I say, it’s my birthday, I AM older.

He says, are you staying for a drink, I decline.

Buy pizza from the takeaway, drive home, put pizza in oven, kids planning to go out, think – I’ll sit on sofa, maybe watch…

SURPRISE- door opens, Martin, his wife and a huge pot of curry walk in.

Martin has a new game with him, tells me to take the pizza out of the oven, I do, we eat curry, kids leave, we play.

Martin didn’t let me win.

Bummer.

A Quiz of The Year 2011 RESULTS!!!

2012-01-27T07:32:00.001+01:00

Ok, I AM a bit drunk, so if I come over as grumpy pleeeeeese forgive me.

BUT!!!!!

Quiz of the year?!!!!!!!

EH?!!!!!!!

In 2010, at the end thereof, I posted a quiz of the year 2010 – here’s a link – and boy did I get some gip.

It seemed that people found it really hard, in one case one person’s marriage ended in the divorce courts simply because of!

Still, Mary waltzed of with the grand prize and here is a picture of it with her.

Mary is on the right by the way.

So this year I thought I would make it realllllllly eay.

Hang on… ther’s an s missing there…s.

Realllllllllly easy.

I posted the 2011 quiz here, and the post included a hint – a linkable hint, i.e – if you clicked on the word Hint (as you can here) and IF you READ the post you would clearly (if you are awake) read the bit that says – and I quote –

“Everyone that would like to do a Bitsnbobs Quiz of the Year 2011 should send in a question to include before December 24th 2011, I’ll add one and that’ll be it.”

Obviously anyone - and I don’t want to mention any names Saffy – who sent in a question AFTER the deadline would not get their question included , so the bitsnbobs Quiz of the Year 2011 had ONE question.

It was clearly marked with a “1.”

Even so - and I don’t want to mention any namessssSSS-aff - some folk were totally lost.

Other folk, maybe wisely, just ignored the whole thing.

Clearly the ANSWER TO THE QUIZ was – YES.

That would have won the big prize.

But no one said “yes” and today I am officially closing Bitsnbobs Quiz of the Year 2011.

So no one won and I am keeping the grand prize – in fact I have just drank half of it.

Maybe Saffy should have won a she made a sterling effort?

Oh yeah?

Convince me.

n.b this photo (above) will feature in the Quiz of the Year 2012!

Do-be-do-be-do.

2012-01-26T20:03:00.002+01:00

If you have read this, or this or even this, then you will know that when I go to the airport I buy a copy of Wired magazine, the intention being to educate myself, though the result is usually abject humiliation.

Sometimes the problem is simply one of vocabulary but sometimes, I just don’t get it.

It’s my birthday soon so I’m feeling old and the latest edition of Wired is making me feel even older.

According to the latest edition 100.000 people have signed up as registered users of an URL-based alternative to the telephone offered by a San Franciscan based company called Vox.io.

I’ve read the article three and a half times and I still can’t understand why I should need to join them – it’s not that I don’t like the idea of what it does, but as far as I can see I can already do what it does with what I already do it with.

Do-be-do-be-do.

Clearly this is an old guy’s attitude to things; a business maxim seems to be that if there is something people can already do, if you repackage it then at least 100,000 people will register to do it even though they are already doing it.

Do-be-do-be-do.

Plucking Hell.

2012-01-25T08:51:00.005+01:00

Is it just me that finds the photo posted yesterday - a fish shop with a wet floor - very funny?

Probably.

So ......... when was the last time we talked about plucking eyebrows?

Let’s look……

Blimey, never!

We spoke about a lot of things but somehow we just seemed to have missed the subject all together, so let’s put things straight.

Which, when it comes to my own (eyebrows) is practically impossible.

Being somewhat bushy that they are.

For the first half of my life I didn’t really think about them – they were there, doing their thing and like my dad’s they were a jungle unto themselves.

Then one day I got picked at audition to juggle a pot of paint, a brush, a padlock, a hard hat and a something-i-don’t-remember for an advert wherein the Director deemed that my eyebrows needed a good pluck.

So plucked they were.

And plucked they have continued to be.

I found myself thinking about the process again just the other day.

I was a guest at Charlotte’s birthday surprise late afternoon breakfast thingy and I had a chance to study a few 17 year old female eyebrows.

Wow!

They were good!

Talk about Audrey Hepburn!

So this morning I had a look at mine.

Wow!

Talk about Worzle Gummidge.

My technique over the last 20 or so years has been to look in the mirror in the morning and if one, or two, are sticking up, or down and out of line – plucked they get.

I realised this morning that sleeping as I often do with my head crumpled into the pillow on one side, the right eyebrow has been constantly rumpled and this is probably the reason I now have a thatch over the left eye and a moth eaten carpet over the other.

I must strive harder for plucking balance!

Errata (2011)

2012-01-24T15:00:00.003+01:00

You know, sometimes, when you buy a new book you open it and find a small slip of paper (usually white) with the word erratum at the top?

Does it happen anymore?

It doesn’t in the books I buy- maybe it does in more expensive ones?

The sort of book I’m buying …. well the last book I bought …. was A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan.

I bought it at about 9.15pm from a bookseller within St Pancras International railway station, London at the end of December last year.

I was the only person in the bookseller’s - I think I was the only person in the railway terminal; everyone else had left.

Least ways it felt very empty.

The book was also very empty; very empty of any erratum that is, the pages of the book itself are full of stuff, really good stuff – I heartily recommend it.

It says on the back that the book “captures the moments where lives interact”, which is probably true – but what I really like about it is that it isn’t a narrative with a before-next-after-that-timeline; the chapters dip into episodes from different, overlapping, lives - the WHAT is important, not the when and where.

Which brings us back, for no other reason than that I say so, to errata.

January is a time when, for no particular reason, I think a new reader might stumble onto this blog (the blog that can trip you up) so I think I should slip an erratum in.

Here it is.

Errata2011.

1. Un-credited photo published on the 25 November has been credited.
2. Uncredited artist displayed on the 2nd September now credited with a link to her website.
3. A bracket has been added to yesterday's post.

Wi(n)dow, where art thou?

2012-01-23T07:28:00.004+01:00

Cold room, grey walls

Empty floors

There’s a door

It’s not locked

But only leads to cold rooms

Empty grey walls

Floor after floor.

There used to be a window here somewhere,

Where is it?

A (confused) Thought of the Day

2012-01-22T08:48:00.005+01:00

Have you seen this!?

Your hand?

No, stupid, the letter I’m holding, it’s from Mary.

Mary! Let me see!

read read read read

So?

So what?

She said we morphed.

She didn’t, she said we switched, or, more precisely, that YOU switched.

Morphing, switching – what’s the difference?

What’s the difference!!!? What’s the difference!!!?

Yes, that’s what I said, you don’t have to repeat it.

Well, the difference is that YOU did it not me, but for a start I can’t find morph in the dictionary but surely switching means changing places and morphing, if it means anything, means changing.

So the difference is places?

Erm, maybe, can I think about this?

Sure.

think think think think

Ok, it could be – where you are makes a lot of difference…..

Bollocks! It’s where you WANT to be that counts.

OOOOh! That’s a bit strong for a Sunday don’t you think?

Yes, sorry, mid-winter is getting to me, it’s a depressing time of the year.

Can I do anything?

Make it spring? Invent teleportation? Be me?

Ah! Are you suggesting a switch or a morph?

She was right wasn’t she?

Who?

Mary, have you forgotten already?

How could I forget Mary? Are you crazy!?

Well if I am you certainly are.

It doesn’t follow unless you believer in reincamorphing.

Reincamorphing?

Yeah, I made it up, just to confuse things.

Anyway, like I said , she was right – I can even pinpoint the exact moment it happened.

You can?

I can – it’s when YOU said, “I told you before”. Fourteen lines into last week’s dialogue (that constitute the Sunday Special Thoughts of the Day that appear here each week).

Who are you bracketing to?

Anyone reading this for the first time.

Anyone reading this for the first time will be completely confused sunshine, brackets aren’t going to help.

Stop changing the subject – YOU are completely to blame for this latest morphing switch – you linked yourself to something that I had said, not you.

So what you are saying here is that you should be you and I shouldn’t.

Because you aren’t.

I’m not an aunt. I’m an uncle.

Is that it!? 337 words to set up that one stupid joke?

Yep, dedication, see you next week?

Ok.

Life's a beach?

2012-01-21T12:21:00.002+01:00

Middle of January winter and it’s raining.

The day looks grey; tomorrow looks grey – what’s the point eh?

Hope?

Illegally imported buttocks.

2012-01-20T13:16:00.002+01:00

Last night I dreamt of someone’s bum!

It was a beautiful dream; it was a beautiful bum.

This morning I opened the newspaper webpage and read that a man had been arrested for the illegal importation of a buttock.

That’s a coincidence!

The article explained that said buttock was valued at two hundred and fifty thousand pounds.

Last night’s was priceless!

An Exaggerated List.

2012-01-19T07:00:00.001+01:00

Ok, so I exaggerated a little bit yesterday, even though I had to be carried home.

And I didn’t post this list, which I had promised.

So here it is.

The Bitsnbobs Musical Advent Calendar 2011 Playlist.

1. Chuck Berry – sweet little sixteen
2. Gayla Peevey – I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
3. Bruce Springsten and the East Street Band– santa claus is coing to town
4. Natalie Cole – the first noel.
5. Kate Bush – snow
6. Train- it’s Christmas time/shake up Christmas
7. George Winston – the holly and the ivy
8. Bing Crosby and David Bowie – the little drummer boy/peace on earth
9. The Weather Girls – bring me a man
10. Grand Corps Malade – 4 saisons
11. Annie Lennox – oh little town of Bethlehem
12. James Taylor – deck the halls
13. Red Hot Chili Peppers – snow
14. John Denver and The Muppets – 12 days of Christmas.
15. Joni Mitchell – river
16. Van Morrison – glad tidings
17. Tom Waits – silent night Christmas card from a hooker
18. Sinead O’Connor – silent night
19. The Dickies – silent night
20. Jane taylor – oh december
21. Norah Jones and Willie Nelson AND Red Skelton and Betty Garret – baby it’s cold outside.
22. The Moody Blues – In the bleak mid-winter.
23. Rod Stewart - every beat of my heart.
24. The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl – fairytale of new york
25. Marianne Faithfull and The Chieftans – I saw three ships a sailin
26. Dolly Parton – hard candy Christmas
27. Eartha Kitt – nothin’ for Christmas.
28. Charles Brown – merry Christmas baby
29. Vince Vance and The Valiants – all I want for Christmas is you
30. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers – a fine romance
31. Tim Minchin – white wine in the sun.
32. U2 – new years day.

Breathing Purposefully.

2012-01-18T12:35:00.003+01:00

There’s a lady in the village who flies to Dublin once a month because she is studying to be a yoga teacher and in-between times she runs an evening of yoga and meditation in the local primary school’s canteen every, except one in four, Tuesday night.

I went.

We stretched, we flexed and we breathed purposefullly.

I attempted something that involved bending my right leg somewhere it had never been before - so in fact it became my left leg – my arms were inside out and my head appeared underneath my bum.

It took three people and the teacher to unwrap me.

We relaxed, we breathed more purposefullly and we meditated in Indian.

When I woke up everyone had gone, the lights were turned off and the door was locked.

They had left me alone on my yoga mat, a handwritten note at my side – “you were snoring!.”

I had to crawl through the toilet ventilation window to get out.

The position, which I believe the teacher had named the cobra and which we had attempted earlier, greatly aided me in this manoeuvre.

I succeeded.

And had to walk home through the forest.

The Review of The Year 2011

2012-01-17T12:46:00.004+01:00

Ok!! Come on! Come on, come on! Isn’t it time we had a Review Of The Year 2011?

Yes it is!!!!!

Here is is….

The stats - three hundred and sixty five posts! They (me) said it couldn’t be done, it was did!

A 12.3 per cent increase on 2010!!

More posts for your bucks…. But wait…..

Comments!!

Lots! 898!!!

That’s a, oh ……… 26.27 decrease on the previous year!

Oh dear – Bitsnbobs (the blog with hiccups) is loosing relevance.

Probably because I’m anti 3D film, anti Twitter, anti Facebook and anti anti.

I must try harder.

Last year, nonetheless, saw some innovation.

An occasional Thought Of The Day- became a regular Sunday Service; each week he and I nattered about this and that, sometimes dissected a film and generally went round in circles in a vaguely philosophical way.

In February the previous year’s word experiment was reversed, in March we had a month dedicated to rain and in June we had an extensive self-portrait which among other things gave you a chance to meet my legs.

In August things got pretty weird - the lunatic took over the asylum - and then in September we had the spectacularly underrated innovation of ON/OFF month and we met Leah a nine-year old promiscuous genius for the first and maybe only time.

And in December we had a Musical Christmas Advent Calendar™ the full play list of which will appear on this blog, I think, tomorrow. er. here

In between all that?

Posts of cutting edge hesitancy and introspection?

Maybe.

However, there were a few fillers – like this one.

It sort of slipped by but Bitsnbobs celebrated its 1000th post, sort of.

Mary, a long-suffering regular commentator, contributor and inspiration of this blog claimed contentiously that the Post of the Year was this one.

Could be, but I liked this combination of nudity and my niece.

I learnt a bit about women.

There was an insight into the painful Bitsnbobs creative process, with more nudity!

And the slightly neglected advice-for-parents-of-teenage-children feature (a public service offered freely), was invigorated with this tale of love and destruction.

There was a puzzle to solve (no one did) and a rather poetic, I thought, double-cherry post.

Double-Cherry post one.
Double-cherry post two.

Financial advice.

And something about the Windscreen Wipers of Mulholland Drive.

Which only leaves the Quiz of the Year.

BEFORE and AFTER

2012-01-16T06:10:00.002+01:00

Before (16)

After (17)

Thought of the (D)-ay

2012-01-15T07:51:00.004+01:00

It was meant to be seen in 3D.

It was?

Yes.

What?

The film you saw this week.

How did you know that I saw a film this week?

I was there.

You were?

Right next to you, didn’t you see me?

No I saw the film!

It was meant to be in 3D.

I’m glad it wasn’t.

Why?

I told you before.

Ah yes, I remember, quite an opinionated little sod aren’t you?

I beg your pardon.

I said – you’re quite an opinionated lit…..

No, I meant watch it.

The film? Yes I did – what did you think?

Well you’ll probably call me an opinionated little so-and-so but I think it was Martin Scorsese trying to jump on the 3D band wagon but also trying to bring character and script up to the point of excellence which it should be in any film, yet falling short and thus leaving us with something better than what went before but hardly creating an exceptional work.

Wow. Quite an opinionated little so-and-so aren’t you?

Oh, and I thought Christopher Lee was the only actor who came out of it looking accomplished.

Dracula was in Hugo Cabret?

Well not Dracula itself, but the actor yes.

What part did he play?

The bookseller, or librarian – it was a bit unclear.

What was clear then?

That the film was about Georges Méliès, I hadn’t known that before I went.

What did you think it was about?

A little boy at Christmas time.

Why did you think that?

Em, ‘cos there’s a little boy on the poster and it was on at Christmas?

Why are you asking me?

It was a sort of rhetorical question.

Sort of?

Yes.

How can a question… either it is or… oh drop it – did you like ANYTHING in the film?

Yeah, the visuals. I didn’t see it in 3D but it was D-licious anyway. And I liked all the historical fact that was mixed in there and I liked the idea of the story but the acting was so wooden. I came home and went straight onto wikipedia, here, I felt I knew so little about early film.

So, it was e-D-ucational, if not 3D.

D-efinitely!

That's 3 Ds, see you next week.

Yep.

2012-01-14T07:37:00.000+01:00

I did some man stuff today.

I’m not a natural.

Martin came round, put scaffolding up at the side of the house and stood and watched as I climbed up to sort out a decade of neglect on the roof.

Moss, grass, branches, slipped tiles (some broken) and exposed roof undertiling whatsits.

It was terrifying.

He called me a wimp.

Then he drove off and left me.

I waited until his car was out of sight and then came down.

I went inside and wrote e-mails.

Uppy Birthday.

2012-01-13T07:41:00.003+01:00

I had a row with my daughter yesterday.

I got grumpy, her attitude annoyed me, I let it show.

It’s her birthday today.

I feel like a louse.

The last day of you being being sixteen and I get grumpy.

Sorry.

Miserable Courgettes

2012-01-12T07:05:00.000+01:00

Since I have been living in this neck of the woods (literally) there have been two supermarkets in the nearby town, population one hundred and twenty.

One is small, corner shop size the other bigger - but not super size.

My loyalty was divided – I preferred the larger one on the hill and shopped there most of the time but supported the smaller one every Sunday – a bit like giving to the collection during Sunday service.

At the end of last year (read all about it here) the larger one closed its doors and the owner hung up his caddies.

And then there was one.

Except…..

NOW, there are three!

The population of 120 – as far as I can tell – has not changed.

The one on the hill has been rebranded and opened to a blare of fanfares and with three or four times the content in the same floor surface.

They beat, by about a week, the grand opening of another, three times bigger in the valley alongside the river.

The little one, meanwhile, has new staff and they seem to be sulking.

What to do?

Where lies my loyalty now?

Maintaining my Sunday support for the smallest will not be a problem, I just wish they would stop sulking.

I don’t want miserable courgettes.

But what of the other two?

I checked them out…

On the hill the positive points are that they have employed the former staff, extended opening times by a whole hour, given me a loyalty card and, and, ok then I’m struggling. They don’t any longer sell my favourite museli, beer, wine or toilet paper and they have introduced an “English “ section, though why they should think I have moved to France and miss HP sauce is a mystery. And you have to put money into the caddies now – as if anyone round here is stupid enough to want to take one home.

Nobody had in the last twenty years when they were free.

In the valley they have my favourite beer, museli and wine but not my favourite toilet paper. They gave me a loyalty card AND a free shopping bag and their “English” section has milk chocolate McVites digestives whereas the hill only has the dark chocolate variety.

Not that that will sway me.

The fact that they sell petrol might.

Because I really don’t like the guy who runs the local garage.

It’s nothing personal.

I just don’t like him.

Personally that is.

I have a feeling the situation is in flux.

Something is going to give…..

to be continued when it does

Old Beginnings and New Endings- Refreshed.

2012-01-11T06:48:00.000+01:00

If you do something once on your blog then it’s pretty normal isn’t it?

If you do it twice though, it becomes a repetition.

However, if you do it three times, and the third time you do it you do it on the anniversary of the second time you did it, the doing it clearly can be considered as an ongoing done, even though occasional, series.

We have a few of them here on Bitsnbobs – the blog with phew! (few- gettit?) – like, er, hang on…, er, well I can’t actually think of any RIGHT this moment but we, hang on – yes – From The Archives – that’s one.

This is another.

It’s Old Beginnings and New Endings.

The first one is available here (2010)
The second here (2011)

And now we are now.

The idea is simple – It’s The New Year, so things begin things end, even if it is just years.

A bit like everyday really, but the New Year celebration can sometimes bring that into focus so Bitsnbobs – the blog where decisions are made – has decided to mark it with links to three posts from the previous year that speak, or spoke of beginnings and three that spoke/speak of ends.

So without further a-Do (see third paragraph above) here are three beginnings-links and three ends-links from 2011.

First the beginnings.

1. The key to the Highway.

2. The beginning splash.

3. The beginning of the middle.

Then the ends.

1. The messy end.

2. The beginning of the end.

3. The end of me.

Truncated Lists (updated a third time)

2012-01-10T07:19:00.001+01:00

I had a clean out.

Here it is.

It's seasonal!

Dearest tops by…
What time you th…..
Happy new year!
Received and un….
Happy new year…
Yes. Good to he…
And good morning….
2012. I slept th….
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Happy new year
Il n’a pas t poss….
Happy new year!
And did I X u for…
One down and th….

Part three of an occasional series

Part two here.

Geek Self-Pressure

2012-01-09T07:24:00.005+01:00

31,28,31,30,31,30,31,31,30,31,30,31!

I’m well chuffed.

Pathetic though it may be, anal even, I’m chuffed.

But look, I told you before that I’m a counter, and I told you that my intention on this blog in 2011 was to write a post for every day so there you have it.

When I look at the blog archive it gives me a thrill to see 31,28,31,30,31,30,31,31,30,31,30,31!

Did I tell you that I was once a train spotter? I used to stand at the end of the platform at St Pancras and copy numbers into a notebook for neat underlining in the Trainspotter book later that evening.

Now I just stand at the end of the platform and take pictures (above) – see the progress I have made!

Still I have been spotted, recently, in geek shops!

Does that mean I’ve turned into a geek!?

Or does it mean I’ve always been one?!

31,28,31,30,31,30,31,31,30,31,30,31!

None of this really matters though – what really matters, is what does the blog do now?

One year of daily posts, never failing, wobbly sometimes, a filler here or there but relentless and now?

Do we carry on?

Take a break?

Have a few gaps?

Is it a leap year, so we can go for one more?

But then the year after?

(g)EEEEK!

Geek self-pressure strikes again!!!

A Thought For The Day (continued)

2012-01-08T07:16:00.002+01:00

Wakeeeeey Wakeeeeeey!

Grunt

Come on- it’s Sunday!!!

Grunt grunt

Ha! This is a turn up for the books! Last year YOU were waking ME up with your mad plans and schemes…

Grunt grunt grunt

Three Billy Goats Grunt?! Come on you’ve been in bed for a week - get up, we need to talk, there’s stuff to decide.

Ok, ok, Ok! Will you stop with the yelling?

YELLING!!! YOU CALL THIS YELLING!!!?????

Well it ain’t whispering.

That reminds me.

What does?

Whispering. Reminds me of something someone said.

What something did this someone say?

People will believe anything if you whisper it to them.

Where did you hear that?

Somewhere.

So, someone said something somewhere and you think that’s somewhat of a good reason to wake me up?

I do.

I don’t. I’m going back to sleep.

Not yet, wait, we have to decide something.

Is this the same something or some other thing?

Something else.

Ok, I’m all ears.

I thought you looked auralful!!

Was that a joke?

It was!

The best you can do?

Oh come on, it was ok, improvised as it was.

If you say so.

Look, it’s 2012 we have to decide what to do with the Sundays on this blog.

We do?

Well if WE don’t know one else will.

Ok, so……?

Well we did a whole year of “Thought of the Day” when you and I have a conversation, me like this you in Italics to help.

Italian? I don’t speak Italian.

Italics!

Oh, I thought you said Italian.

Why would I say Italian?

Mary’s Italian.

Look, can you stay focussed.

Is she moving?

What?

Is she…, forget it, you wouldn’t understand.

Why wouldn’t I understand?

Because you are you and I is I.

Ah, that reminds me.

What of?

Something Mary said.

Ah…. Mary…..

Yes, in the summer time we got a bit blurred.

What do you mean?

You were a bit me and I as a bit you.

I didn’t bite anyone!

No, listen! You morphed meways, and I morphed youways.

We should be separate!

We should!

Ok.

But what about the concept?

Bruce?

Eh?

Springsten?

What?

The Bruce Springsten concert, June, you know.

Concept, concept! Don’t you ever listen?

Sorry?

I said don’t y….., he he, very good.

Thank you, I’m awake now.

Good, so do we keep doing this every Sunday or do we do something else?

Have we had any offers?

No.

Well, we could do it EVERY day - that would be something.

What – a whole year of this insane conversations?

They aren’t insane. Well my bit isn’t anyway.

That’s a matter of opinion.

A matter baby?

What? What’s a matter baby?

Nothing, but thank you for asking!

Boom Boom. Very drole.

Drole? Who says drole?

We both just did.

Great minds think alike.

Fools never differ.

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

What’s that got to do with it?

Er, probably nothing.

Ok, so that’s decided then.

It is?

Yes.

We’re going to do it EVERY day?!

No, we’ll keep it like this, a Sunday Special.

Fine, can I go back to bed now.

You may.

Grunt you.

Grunted.

Atmospheric Disturbances

2012-01-07T07:27:00.002+01:00

What was it that Billie Holiday sang…..?

I can’t remember, but I’ve been considering impossibility.

And not just because of this.

But also because of the book I have just finished reading.

Which, incidentally, I had wanted to finish reading before returning home from London after New Year’s Eve so that I wouldn’t have to pack it into an already-excess-baggage baggage situation.

Which turned out to be impossible.

So i stuffed it into the pocket of my coat and I finished it on the plane.

It’s a book that, improbably, I picked up randomly from the Help-Yourself Shelf on a campsite in the Scilly Isles last summer knowing nothing more than that it was on the shelf looking for a home.

The title?

Atmospheric Disturbances.

By?

Rivka Galchen.

Who’s that?

A female Canadian-American writer, this is her first novel.

It’s a love story mystery.

James Wood – a critic for The New Yorker – described it as “a contribution to the Hamsun-Bernhard tradition of tragicomic first-person unreliability.”

I have no idea what that means, I looked it up on Wikipedia and still don’t but I reckon unreliability and impossibility are pretty close, even if it is only in that they share bility.

But it was a damm good read.

This is by the way, but my favourite bit in the book was when the main character who may have lost his wife (the book begins – Last December, a woman entered my apartment who looked exactly like my wife.) and goes to Argentina to look for her, meets her (possible) mum – Magda - who asks him what Rema (his real wife)’s hair looks like now because she hasn’t seen her for a long time, though she thinks he is just a friend of Rema because Rema’s apparent mum thinks Rema is married to someone else and when she asked him if he was a friend he said yes.

“It’s very tidy. And a beautiful colour. Blonde like the inside of corn. She wears it usually in a low ponytail. Holds it in a wide gold clip. And it’s long and trim. And in the summer she pins the flyaway hairs back with neat little parallel hairpins that are a natural colour instead of just plain black. But she still gets these pretty little loose strands; they get kind of extra bleachy blonde-ish and wavy in the summertime.”

“You love her, don’t you?” Magda said.

Sometimes you can’t hide it.

Anyway….

Hey – I’ve just remembered what Billie Holiday sang!

The difficult I'll do right now, The impossible will take a little while.

In Dublin's fair city

2012-01-06T07:28:00.001+01:00

With a slight risk that you will think this month consists of me sifting through my emails for inspiration............

Molly wrote to me the other day.

Molly Davis.

She said - : Hi Chris,The quality of bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com impressed us and we wanted to know if you'd be interested in a guest post from us that could add a unique and different perspective to your site.Articles would be 600-800 words long on a topic of your choosing that would relate and complement bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com. If you're interested,you could select a topic or I'd be more than happy to suggest some.I look forward to hearing back from you and Happy Holidays!

Oh yeah?

Looked like another dollop of splog to me, so i checked out her web site.

It was all about couponing – you know, that thing some people in America are into where they collect coupons that give them money of stuff and by spending A LOT of time searching, cutting out, swapping and whatever they save money buying stuff that isn’t very good and which people can only sell if they give away free coupons.

Something like that.

But I don’t get many emails and I like the opportunity to get to know people so I wrote back.

Hi molly,I think molly is a great name, it impressed me. Couponing doesn't a lot. However, a guest post could be fun though i suspect you see it as a chance to promote your site?and i hate advertising. where does that leave us?

Molly is a feisty lass, she replied!

Hi Chris, Thanks for getting back to me...and thanks for the compliment on my name - I'm sorry to hear that you weren't that impressed with Couponing.Do you have any suggestions for what would leave a better impression on you? As for the guest post, the post itself would not be a promotion of my site; in return for a post on a topic of your choice (we could discuss this together), we would just like a link back to couponing.com in the unless they were highly relevant and approved by you, of course.Hope this message leaves a better impression on you, :).Best,Molly

Isn’t she brilliant, she makes me feel special!

I don’t believe her but you know me!

Putty!!

I sent a short “Your speed of reply did!” and I added a p.s. “ps

it wasn't your site that underwhelmed me, it is the concept.”

I didn’t want to upset her, the site is after all very professional, and this might be my new friend.

She wrote again!

“Hi again, Hahaha, thanks for that! Is there anything specific that you'd like an article to be on? Even a broad idea will help me narrow it down to something that you'll, hopefully :), be really into.Thanks!”Molly

I like it when women giggle, but to be honest I hadn’t really taken much of this very seriously up to now, I just liked her name!

But now she was asking me to think!!

“Dear Molly, how about a letter from Molly to Father Christmas or Molly's new year resolutions?”

It’s the new year, Christmas fading but either would seem to fit this blog, now, here, sort of…..

“Hey, Hahaha...I can't tell if you're just pulling my leg here. If you aren't, I think I'd choose the second one and I'd prefer if it were Couponing.com's resolutions, I'm not entirely comfortable publishing my resolutions for the world to read! Best, Molly

One can overdo the giggles, don’t you think?

And hadn’t she said earlier that “the post itself would not be a promotion of my site”?

Now it looks like the WHOLE post would be about the site!

It was time to assert myself!

No more Mr twisted-round-her-pretty-finger!

I wrote, “i wasn't pulling your leg Molly if you look at my blog you'll see that what it is - is personal. Heart on sleeve; we could of course debate how resolute your resolutions are if you are not prepared for the world to see them. But we don't have to...Where are you by the way?”

She lives on the west coast, U.S.A.

But, I think our relationship is over.

She never gave me her phone number, so I guess the chance to discuss mutual interests over a Californian sunset is shot.

She finished thus – “Hi again,Thanks for clearing that up, hahaha, sometimes I just can't tell!!! Anyways, thank you for considering but I don't think I'm quite prepared to put my personal out there, probably a confidence issue/might realize that I'm not that dedicated to my resolutions.

Happy New Year! Best, Molly

And there you have it – Happy New Year!

The art of queuing.

2012-01-05T07:57:00.000+01:00

If you go to London anytime between now and Feb the 12^th (I think- I’ll check that when I finish writing) you might consider going to see the Leonardo Da Vinci exhibition on at the National Portrait Gallery.

I did.

Now the show is sold out for the whole run so you can’t buy a ticket online, but they sell 500 on the day for that day’s entry.

But you need to queue.

I did.

A couple of days before I had wandered in and asked the guy with the moustache at the door exactly what “queuing” meant.

He said – “we are advising people to be there between 7 and 8 if they want to be sure of a ticket.”

The doors, by the way open at 10.

I couldn’t sleep; the excitement of Christmas was still adrenalin fresh in my blood, so I thought – why not?

I was up at 6!

I turned the corner in front of the gallery at 7.10 – I had wanted to look my best so I had shaved, bathed and tried on one hundred and thirty three different combination of shirts and socks.

No one seemed to be there so I thought, foolishly, that I was the first.

Then I saw two people sitting in the doorway, two more behind and as I neared I realised that the shadow hid fifty or more.

I walked past and discovered that the fifty or more gave way to a LOAD more, queued around the corner and up the lane and into the next.

I took my place at the end, behind a woman who looked a lot more warmly dressed than I was.

“Have you counted?”- I asked.

“No,” she smiled, “but it’s a nice alley way isn’t it?”

I had my book with me, it’s a great book, and I started reading.

She was reading too.

Her book was French.

“Are you French?” I asked.

“No, it’s for a conversation class I go to.”

Some people had brought chairs with them. Some had brought flasks of hot coffee.

One person had brought some knitting.

The queue lengthened.

I had no chair.

No coffee.

No knitting!

My brain was too full to read anymore, my feet were freezing and my nose looked like Rudolph’s.

I looked at my watch.

7.45.

I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.

“I’ll keep your place in the queue if you want to go and get a coffee”, purred my new friend.

“No it’s ok, I would feel too guilty” I heard someone stupid inside me replying.

I started a sort of stretching-flexing dance to try to initiate circulation.

More people added to the queue.

At 8 a man in an official National Portrait Gallery Very Warm Coat appeared and he walked along the line of people whispering and clicking a hand held clicker machine.

He reached me.

“How many?”

“Two cappuccinos, three croissants and a bacon sarnie please.” I was starving.

“No, how many tickets – you are allowed up to six.”

As he moved away, I called him back –“So, how many on your clicker so far?”

“238”

Wow! I was going to get in.

I was so excited I got my book out again and read three more chapters.

“I’m going to get a coffee, would you like one?” asked my neighbour.

She obviously had no qualms about leaving her place in the queue and returning to it.

“Yes please”, I practically drooled.

When she returned I remembered that I had not been to the bank and I had very little money in my pocket.

“Er, this is a bit embarrassing, I only have one pound and three pence, all in small coins.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I could talk to you in French.”

“Are you French?”

“No, but I live there.”

We continued for the next hour in English, she told me all about her life I told her all about mine, we swapped queuing stories and she pointed out that I had cappuccino froth on the end of my nose.

Eventually 10 o’clock came, the door opened and the queue shuffled forward an inch and then stopped. It took another hour to reach the warmth interior of the building.

“I wonder why the guy with the clicker couldn’t just have sold us the tickets there and then.” I ventured.

My neighbour said goodbye and before she left said –“Enjoy the exhibition, it’s really special because there are two Virgins of the Rock together for the first time.”

I was puzzled but it all made sense later, though personally I would have called it Madonna and Child.

Anyway she was wrong – there were three Madonna and Child.

They were all beautiful.

But the third was the best.

Snow why did you forsake me?

2012-01-04T07:57:00.002+01:00

I wanted to include this youtubeo before we forget December and last year - partly because they say Happy new Year in it and mostly because it is so wierd.

But…..

I HAVE decided to switch the snow off.

The snow here on the blog - that which added a (hopefully) Yuletide flavour to the posts of December.

I can’t switch the real snow off.

Besides, it hasn’t snowed.

Not one flake this Christmas!

I’m not saying that Christmas is over, I still have my tree up and lit in the living room and I won’t take it down before Twelfth Night but many things, not just the sky, are conspiring to tell me that the festive season is through.

Like work, school and not being on the other side of the sea in which I am now awash.

Besides it didn’t snow when I wanted it to.

A Zebra in Tijuana.

2012-01-03T07:47:00.005+01:00

A while ago – here – I received an email from a certain Serge Lavagne, who may, or may not have been a robot.

Even though I don’t receive many missives from metal, I was so underwhelmed that I wrote all about it on this blog (the blog with stuff) and surprisingly received more comments than I had ever before, or since, witnessed.

On comments alone, Serge-the-possible-robot was my most successful posting.

Just before Christmas I received an email from Emma Peters. Who isn’t.

Isn’t a robot that is, I’m pretty sure she is a Peters.

Though you never can tell about either.

Her mail however, looked like a very similar ploy; here is what she wrote:

Hi Chris,
My name is Emma with Amplified Media. We were impressed with the quality and
scope of bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com. The Christmas advent series you
feature on your site is a great way to really get into the holiday spirit. We
enjoy your selections, and appreciate you sharing them with your readers!
Please email me at emma@amplifiedmedia.org if you are interested in learning
more about opportunities to work together. I look forward to hearing from you.
Happy Holidays!

Happy holidays!

Nice touch!

I don’t very often get unsolicited mail from women who go out of their way to compliment me so I headed of to the website to learn more about Emma.

I’m pretty easily manipulated you know.

I clicked on their “meet the team” clickable bit and there was her photo!

Apparently she is a Zebra!

When Serge wrote to me he introduced himself as “Accounts Manager”.

The Zebra though is “Director!”

I saw a Zebra in Tijuana once; I had gone there to get married.

What I mean by that is that my future wife and I went there to get married, not that I went there looking for a wife.

And there, in a back street was a Zebra! (this is true by the way).

Tijuana you may remember is in Mexico, a land not renowned for Zebra, and this one was just standing there in a side street.

On closer inspection it turned out to be a donkey that had been painted with black stripes.

From a distance it was fairly convincing.

There was a second sticky donkey on the main drag and tourists were occasionally fooled into having their photo taken alongside.

Or maybe they just saw the whole thing as so naff they had to record it.

Thinking about it I……, anyway.

So ever since I have been always a little suspicious of Zebras (I wonder if that is correct, Zebrae perhaps?Zebri?) out of context.

I wrote back to Emma Peters-Zebra asking what exactly did she mean by “opportunities to work together” and listed some of the more boring items of housework that I have neglected in the last month, hoping she might not say neigh. (Zebra joke).

She replied!

She said – “I have some clients who are interested in two posts on your site:
http://bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com/2011/12/john-denver-muppets-12-days-of.html and http://bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com/2011/11/unprofessional-again.html.
They would pay you a total amount of $40 via PayPal for you place one link within each post (two total).

I wondered about correcting her English at the end there, but then who am I to talk?

Instead I considered my options, after all 40 dollar is 40 dollar that would be a, er, 40 dollar profit after over 1000 posts, I will be a millionaire in, er, well, a hundred years after I have died!

But i spent a lot of money at Christmas.....

I’m fascinated as to who these clients are that would be interested to pay me to link to a video of The Muppets singing The 12 Days of Christmas when it is readily available on Youtube already, but can I really justify selling my soul to the devil?

When she is just a Zebra?

Please advise.

The Quiz of The Year!!

2012-01-02T07:53:00.003+01:00

Is there is or is there ain't?

1. IS there a Quiz of The Year?

Hint

A Christmas advent (32) a thought of the new year.

2012-01-01T00:02:00.004+01:00

That’s it then isn’t it?

That’s what?

The end of all that.

Or the beginning of all this, it depends on your perspective.

But it says number 32, that’s definitely the end of 31 isn’t it?

Well, I’m not sure that having a 32nd post in a 31 part Christmas advent series counts as a surprise, especially as I said there would be a “plus one” some time ago, but…..

Surprise!!!!!

It’s number 32!!!!!

And I can’t think of a better way of saying this.

I can't either, so here it is.

Listen.

A Christmas advent (31)

2011-12-31T07:33:00.001+01:00

I'm sorry if this makes you cry.....

On New Year’s Eve 2010 I went round to my friend Martin’s for an evening of curry and games.

Ok, not everyone’s cup of tea for celebrating the end and beginning of so much, but that’s because you have never tasted his curry.

Nor seen his selection of games.

I have always found myself a bit apart on New Years Eve; I’m not great in crowds and I never kiss complete strangers; strangers maybe, but complete ones never!

After our joint victory in the third game of Complicity Martin stood up and reached for a DVD that was sitting on top of the TV.

“I got this for a Christmas present and I thought you might be interested”, he explained as he slipped the disc into the player.

I pride myself for knowing a fair bit about comedy; it was my career for a while and I have an archive of some of the weirdest and most obscure moments from the last 100 or so years.

But Tim Minchin had slipped under my radar.

I know, I should have known all about him and maybe you all do.

If you don’t this should be a treat.

In my book this is the best Christmas song I know.

I think Martin intended us to watch just a few minutes – we sat through the whole show.

If someone can make me laugh and make me cry within 3 minutes I think they are brilliant.

Ok I’m a sentimentalist, a hopeless romantic and tonight I will be sitting alone on Primrose Hill in London watching fireworks scare the demons of the past away, clearing the tomorrow for us all.

I will have an open bottle of red wine and a couple of glasses.

If you are passing…………

A Christmas advent (30)

2011-12-30T07:05:00.003+01:00

What is Christmas all about, and has the Bitsnbobs (the blog which poses questions) Musical Christmas Advent reflected it?

Ok, I think the hippopotamus was maybe out on a limb - although it did reflect the “all-i-want-for-christmas is…..” cliché.

Secret wishes one can only send to Santa?

Expectation has to be part of the mix surely?

Who hasn’t woken up in the small hours just tooooooooo excited to sleep?

I have!

And I think we have covered expectation – we are saving the best song to (almost)last after all.

Reflection, meditation even?

Yep – it should be in there somewhere, and we’ve tried.

A journey!

Has to be.

Ok, it needn’t be with three wise men and some camels but can Christmas really begin without someone going on a journey?

Did we cover it – we did!

Surprise!!!

You bet – the bestest thing! There should be a surprise every day in my book.

Who knows what today will bring?

Not me – but boy am I excited!

I hope you’ve been surprised by some of this selection.

I have!

For the religious there needs to be a miraculous birth – will this do?

For the heathens a good drink – here you go!

Snow!

Christmas needs snow – not enough to mess up that journey, not unless your camel has winter tyres – but enough to make the world look good enough to eat.

Here’s the Bitsnbobs snow.

What’s missing?

How about a fine romance?!

A Christmas advent (29)

2011-12-29T06:18:00.003+01:00

Male/Female Piano ratios?

What does this have to do with a Musical Christmas Advent Calendar here on Bitsnbobs – the blog with hearing (here on – you have to say it out loud and quickly)?

And does this have ANYTHING to do with today?

Or tomorrow?

Everything!

Read here!

And here!

And then listen to this, it’s the original.

A Christmas advent (28)

2011-12-28T07:38:00.001+01:00

And talking of ratios, as we were only yesterday – what about pianos!

Yes indeed!

Is the all-important piano/other ratio being respected here on Bitsnbobs (the blog that INspects as well as REspects) when it comes to, as you have just done, The Musical Christmas Advent Calendar?

Or should that be Christmas Musical Advent Calendar?

Or… Christmas Advent Musical Calendar?

Almost!

In all three cases!!

Ok, I was a bit tired but at the last count – 27 posts –I think 11 feature the piano as principal instrument.

Better redress the discrepancy then eh?

A Christmas advent (27)

2011-12-27T07:25:00.001+01:00

I’ve been adding up the male/female ratio here on this Musical Christmas Advent Calendar that is unfolding and opening here daily throughout December (plus one) on Bitsnbobs – the blog with, apparently, a male/female ratio.

Actually we don’t have an official male/female ratio, perhaps we should, but I thought it would be interesting to have a look how December was going.

Of course, the real reason for doing this is because I don’t know if today I should put this or what I will put here TOMORROW if I don’t put THAT here today.

Following?

I’m not sure that I am and I’m writing this stuff!

Maybe I should go and pull a cracker?

Anywhichway, depending on how you count duets, I reckon of the 26 musical ditties that preceded this one only 12 are female.

So we better sort that out right now!

A Christmas advent (26)

2011-12-26T07:19:00.003+01:00

Ok, she made it!

Extensive lobbying played a part, but to be honest I have listened to it ever since Mary suggested that it should be part of this now-almost-legendary-Bitsnbosb(the blog with spelling mistakes)-musical-Christmas-Advent-December-special-Plus-One.

What a mouthful!

And it’s goooooood!

What a voice!

And some people are not going to feel great today.

Christmas can be sad, can be happy.

We can laugh, we can cry.

It’s a time of death – Charlie Chaplin chose Christmas Day 1977.

But it’s also a time of birth.

Happy birthday you that I don’t know.

A Christmas advent (25) ( thought of the day 47)

2011-12-25T00:04:00.007+01:00

Happy christmas - and sorry folks, yesterday there was an error and the wrong song was published. this has now been sorted. - the Editor

Have you been thinking?

What do you think?

I think so.

I have; all year – EVERY Sunday! I know it says Thought of The Day number 46 but I’ve been here every week, I explained the discrepancy here.

No, I meant have you been thinking about today, last week we said that we would.

I have – and you know what?

What?

Happy Christmas!

You too sunshine, it’s a pleasure to work with you.

Ditto, though you can be a bit obstreperous at times.

Look at you, pot calling the kettle, I’d say.

Anyway, good will to all men and all, women too, let’s cut to the chase.

Aye, what do you think?

Well, I’m hesitating.

I knew you would.

How?

Well, do you have trouble making up your mind?

Well, yes and know; it depends.

Voila!

French?

Oui….. So, why the hesitation?

Well, as you know, we’ve been selected to do this Sunday edition of the Bitsnbobs- musical-Christmas-Advent-Special-series-that-doesn’t-finish-until-the-the-end-of-the-month-and-might-have-a-surprise-even-then-up-its-sleeve.

Selected? We’re the only ones here – everyone else is on holiday!

Whatever.

And.. the hesitation?

Well, do we go with the best Christmas song ever written and blow the Sundayness effect that we are meant to be safe guarding (see here), or do we go with the Sundayness that we have rigorously defended through the last three Sundays and leave ourselves with a dilemma as to when to place the best ever Christmas song ?

Hmm, tricky – integrity or beauty.

It will them cry.

It’s ok to cry at Christmas, joy and tears go together, besides – it shows you are alive, that you feel, that you care.

But is it ok to abandon integrity. Is this not Bitsnbobs – the blog with grit?

It is not!

Well then!

Ok, as long as it has the word Christmas and not hippopotamus in it!

No problem!

And a smile, maybe a laugh and it would be nice if it mentioned Santa Claus, in a Sundayness context of course.

Have faith!

Fully!

A Christmas advent (24)

2011-12-24T07:19:00.007+01:00

ooops sorry, there was an error in the original posting

According to Nick Hornby, writing in the Guardian Newspaper on December 18th 2011, this is not a Christmas song.

He goes on to say " it's just folk modalities with fiddle and accordion".

Nick, I respect you as a writer, I’ve read all of your books, seen at least one of the films you wrote the screen play for and I’m at the front of the queue to buy your next book…

But you know what?

Bollocks!

ps. This is part of an ongoing-to-the-end-of-the-month-plus-one Bitsnbobs Musical Chtristmas Advent Calendar, brought to you by Bitsnbos (the blog that delivers).

pps,. And Nick, it's great accordion, played with style.

A Christmas advent (23)

2011-12-23T07:11:00.013+01:00

Well, if I’m alive (see yesterday), it’s time to set off.

Like all wise men (and women) everywhere it’s time to follow a star and move east.

Even if you need to go west or north to make it happen.

Or south.

Christmas = journey.

Ok -fair enough!

Yesterdays song was not the best Christmas Song ever recorded, but if i had asked you to predict the content of this Musical advent calendar back at the beginning of December how many would have suggested The Moody Blues singing In the Deep Mid-Winter?

It's all about surprise see.

You know the door of the advent calendar is going to be there, but you can't open it untli the day, and you don't know what is going to be there until you do, except it's not chocolate it's a song.

Now, not many people would have put Rod's "Every Beat" into a list of 31 (plus one) melodious ditties for a Musical Christmas Advent Calendar such as this – but you know what?

There aren’t many people here.

Just me in fact.

And this song makes me think of travelling through snowfall and blizzard and fills me with a fine Christmas Tingle.

So, if I’m alive (see above), it’s time to set off.

A Christmas advent (22)

2011-12-22T05:30:00.004+01:00

Eric - who HAS been known to describe himself as a camel- was sitting opposite me the other day when he said,

“It’s not the 21st”

“Ah, really,” I replied, “that’s important, because if you are right it changes a lot of things.”

“I’m right,” he added. Eric is one self-assured camel.

Now I have always believed that it WAS the 21st but it turns out that Eric knows a hell of a lot more about this than I do.

“It’s when the sun reaches its most southerly declination of -23.5 degrees. In other words, it is when the North Pole is tilted 23.5 degrees away from the sun,” he continued.

“Eh?” I offered.

“It’s simple,” he explained, “all places above a latitude of 66.5 degrees north will be in darkness, while locations below a latitude of 66.5 degrees south will receive 24 hours of daylight.”

I was meant to be teaching this guy English; boy was I out of my depth.

Then he took the felt tip pen, with which I was cleaning my ear, and drew a diagram on the whiteboard.

MY whiteboard.

“The Winter Solstices is more readily observable by observing when the midday shadow of a gnomon is longest ”

HA!

Now I had him – “Gnomon, Eric, I think you mean Gnome, G-N-O-M-E,” and I took my pen back with a flourish.

To his credit he said nothing and duly wrote the word in his notebook.

How was I to know the word exists? It’s Greek! I only teach English for god’s sake!

So it turns out that today is Bleak Midwinter, not yesterday.

At 5.30am precisely, which is why I published this then.

I didn’t get up especially for the occasion; I used the forward-publishing-thingy before I went to bed on Winter Solstice’s Eve.

Of course some have predicted that 5.30 will be the End of The World in which case I won’t be getting up.

And you won’t be reading this.

And we won’t ever get to see the end of this Musical Bitsnbobs Christmas Advent Thing, which is a real shame as the best is yet to come.

It’s enough to make you moody and blue.

A Christmas advent (21)

2011-12-21T07:11:00.004+01:00

Have you noticed how running Bitsnbob's (the blog with the runs!) Musical Christmas Advent Calendar (you are reading part 21- part 1 is here, and parts 2 through 20 and onward are in between and after) is a bit like life itself?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

So many possibilities and just not enough time in a day, a month, a lifetime!

Do I go with the new plan arising from the trashed scribbles of yesterday (part 20), give way to the contribution of others expressed in the comments (part 17) and (part5) or start all over again for the next 10 (plus1)?

Hang on! – I already have acknowledged part of the part 5 comments! (part 15)

I didn’t mean to!!

Spontaneous synchronicity no less!

Here are the scribbled lists to show you the confusion that is beginning to set in here at headquarters.

It all hinges on today – do I abandon 10 really good choices or do I do one post that has all ten in?

Do I post links to all those missing selections in this post?

Can I, though, have an advent-calendar-sort-of-idea that has more than one thing each day?

Can I have an advent calendar with 31 (plus one) days?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

And it all comes down to THIS post – If I abandon everything else do I abandon this one, which was/is/could build to tomorrow from yesterday?

Ice or wine?

Or both?

A Christmas advent (20)

2011-12-20T07:21:00.002+01:00

A lot of things happened at the weekend – I cleaned the fridge, bought some spinach and went for a run.

And the weather changed.

On Friday night the wind attacked, by Saturday morning the trees were naked and on Sunday night the temperature dropped below zero.

The night was clear and a billion stars burst on the scene, the southern sky dominated by an Orion as clear as I have ever seen.

Mid winter is nigh.

Also I tore up my list.

Ever since the end of November - though to be honest the first list was sketched out in January – I have been scribbling and crossing out, adding in and subtracting.

The Bitsnbobs 2011 Christmas Advent – a daily unfolding musical attempt to replace a box of chocolates (from the Blog that doesn’t just eat the stuff but dreams about it too) has finally found its identity.

And its dents!

The editorial-staff have decided that there is no place for Slade, no place for Lennon and, as we write, even Bing himself is under threat.

No, the aforementioned Bitsnbobs musical Christmas advent has to be good old eclectic.

And although yesterday’s offering – the third in a three-parter - may or may not have been eclectic it was certainly old.

1978 no less.

Ok there is older to come, but I thought I should try to suggest that we are not just looking into the past here at Bitsnbobs (the blog with a past).

So today’s offering is up to date – as about up to date as Bitsnbobs (the blog with dates) is likely to get.

Released on the 27th November this year you might just have heard it here first.

Unless of course, like me you listened to Bob Harris at the weekend.

So out with the old, in with the new.

In with the cold and out with the blue(sky).

A Christmas advent (19)

2011-12-19T07:13:00.002+01:00

It’s a trilogy.

It’s part three.

Yeah, I know, I should write something erudite like:

“The words were written by Joseph Mohr/Austrian Priest/Alpine Village/Oberndorf/Christmas eve 1816”

Or something….

Buy you know what?

This is the Dickies.

It’s punk.

So?

A Christmas advent (18) (thought of the day 46)

2011-12-18T07:46:00.004+01:00

Blimey! Did you see that?

What?

A Christmas Advent Number 3!!

What about it?

They took the video off of Youtube!

Why?

Copyright Claim!

Wow!

And there’s more, guess who made the claim!

Jesus?

Jesus?

No?

No! Stupid.

Who then?

Billy Graham!

Billy Graham?

Well Billy Graham's people. That's Sunday for you!

Is he alive?

Is Jesus?

Fair point; what’s his beef?

He might be vegetarian too you know.

Come on; let’s not start that again, what’s the problem?

I don’t know, but I’ve fixed it.

You’ve fixed it?

I’ve fixed it; I found a new link, copied, pasted and ‘tis done.

Good.

And ‘tis better!

How?

It’s got an intro!

Wow – let’s check it out.

check, check, check………

Cool.

There’s something else.

There is?

Yes! You! Yesterday!

The three Y’s men?

He he he he he . No. WHY?

Why what?

Why did you say - “here’s a thought” when it wasn’t Thought of The Day – which is today.

I was laying a foundation.

You were?

I was.

Did it hurt?

He he he he he .

A foundation for whta?

Don’t you mean what?

Yes, sorry my fingers were going too quiclky. Er, quickly.

Excited?

YES! Christmas is excitinnnnnnng! What foundation?

A foundation for the trilogy.

Ah yes, the holy trilogy! And we’re in the middle! Part two!

Part two.

And we have to be the most holy – right? Because it’s Sunday, an official Sunday of Advent and we are responsible for the Sundayness aren’t we?

We are.

And I invented the word didn’t i?

Did you?

Yes.

I’m not sure. Let me check……..

Check check check…..

No it was me!

Are you sure?

Yes, look here.

Ok, ok, but I said it straight after you!

You did.

And there’s something else!

A third thing?

Yes a TRILOGY of things!!!!

Ok, good, shoot.

Shoot?

Tell me!

Christmas Day is a Sunday!

Oh!

So it will be us!

Wow!

The specialist bit of the special!!

Hmmmmm – we had better start thinking!

Ok!

Think… think ….think… think

A Christmas advent (17)

2011-12-17T07:35:00.002+01:00

Ok, NOW I’m getting reeeeeeeally excited about Christmas, I feel like a little kid again – How long do we have to wait?

Yeah, yeah, I still have two days work next week but I’ve started thinking about wrapping paper!

So it’s time to change gear here on the Bitsnbobs (the blog with gears) Christmas Advent Musical Thingamajig.

I’ve ripped up the scribbled notes!

I’ve revised the list!

Checked it twice and decided to shake things up a bit.

At the beginning I said, and I quote – “a nice collection of classics (yes Slade are in there), festive cheer and hopefully a few surprises.” – but now I’m not sure.

Slade might not make it.

I mean, they would be what you would expect, no?

Here on Bitsnbobs (the blog that defies expectation) (I hope) we are going to try more surprise, less classic.

Incidentally - here’s a thought – do I need to use quotation marks if I’m quoting myself? (See above)

Anyway - on the original list for this December special one song featured three times.

It has survived the tearing up and revising.

It’s a mini-special IN a special.

A trilogy.

A holy trilogy if you like.

Here’s part one.

A Christmas advent (16)

2011-12-16T07:00:00.001+01:00

You know what, i thought it would be cold by now.

When i started this Christmas Musical Advent - back here - i figured that somewhere along the line temperatures would drop to freezing, soft white flakes would appear in the sky and the world would turn white.

So when i started planning these posts, oh yes there's a plan - well, here and there - i thought i could do a section about it being less than mild.

So i've been revising - screwing up lists, scribbling new ones and thinking.

And you know what?

We need this.

A Christmas advent (15)

2011-12-15T07:22:00.001+01:00

If you have just dropped in then I should explain:

This is Bitsnbobs (the blog that explains)

This is the Christmas advent musical special that actually goes right through to the end of the month, so is more of a December special really, but it might still have a surprise (small) up its sleeve.

This is day 15, each day you can open the blog, get a little musical Christmassy ditty, have a dance, sing along or laugh.

This is using Youtube but this is trying to avoid files that are heavy with advertising (which is why sometimes there are no visuals.

But this is meant to be musical.

And….

This is Joni.

A Christmas advent (14)

2011-12-14T07:28:00.002+01:00

Ok, ok, ok! I know!

The twelve days of Christmas are counted FROM the 25th and FINISH on the 6th of January but, but!

Here on Bitsnbibs, I mean Bobs, (the blog with inbuilt errors) this Christmas advent Musical Thingy that we are doing ends on December the 31st so, so……

So WE (er me, er I) are (am) counting the twelve days of Christmas from today up to the 25th.

Ok?

That way I get to put this video here.

Everything may seem random but in fact there is a design.

A Christmas advent (13)

2011-12-13T06:11:00.002+01:00

Be honest!

Would it be a Bitsnbobs Christmas advent musical special if there wasn't a surprise now and again?

Even if it is ME that is surprised!

A Christmas advent (12)

2011-12-12T07:38:00.001+01:00

The tree is up!

The lights are lit!

Yesterday I went to the market, shook hands with the giant who sells the trees – had my bones crushed once again – and I walked through the shadows of the medieval town unable to see where I was going because of the pine needles covering my face.

The evenings are crisp, the night is as dark as soot and the village have strung lights to frighten the darkness.

And the Bitsnbobs musical-Christmas-advent-thing tinkles into the third week!

Time to take stock.

So – what have our readers been saying?

“Holy Moley!”

“Yeah, but where's the lyrics for the carol karaoke?”

Where indeed!

Let’s remedy that right here!

A Christmas advent (11) (thought of the day 45)

2011-12-11T07:38:00.001+01:00

Well it’s lucky we’re here, that’s all I can say!

If that’s all you can say then this Thought of The Day (the bit of Bits – the blog that’s abbreviated – where we do a Sunday Special Natter) isn’t going to be very long is it?

No, I didn’t mean it like that – I meant, I mean, it’s like…..

Come one, spit it out.

That’s it! Spit, yes, I was being emphatic!

I don’t think being emphatic and spitting is the same thing.

No?

No.

Never mind, it’s damm lucky we’re here, I’m telling you.

You’ve told me twice already! Get on with it. What’s your beef?

Beef?

Beef.

I’m a vegetarian.

You’re not; you ate Prawns the other night!

Yum! The best prawns I’ve ever eaten!

Get on with it! What did you want to tell me?

That it’s lucky we’re here.

Why?

Sundayness.

Sundayness?

Yes, don’t you remember – this Christmas advent musical Whatsit.

How can I forget – it’s all I see here!

Yes, it’s Christmas… well, it’s not Christmas yet, but it will be , and this is advent like an adventure.

Adventure?

Yeah, you know, opening doors and you don’t know what you will find behind them.

Butter?

What?

Butter.

What are you talking about?

Butter.

Why?

I don’t know, it was just a thought and I thought I’d spread it around.

Spread! He he he, very good. Now, these doors…

There aren’t any doors.

Metaphorical doors.

Metaphorical doors, don’t you mean metal doors?

No, he he he , this blog is a sort of door, you open it and bam you’re in the Christmas adventure.

Ah, I get it, sort of.

Good. So, it’s lucky we are here to keep a Sundayness to the whole thing, because the Sundays of Advent are special aren’t they? You said so yourself last Sunday.

I did?

You did.

Are you sure it wasn’t you?

Hang on, I’ll check…… no it was you!

Ok, in that case it’s a good idea let’s do it! Er…. how?

Well look at the last week! Kate Bush, Train, George Winston, David Bowie, The Weather Girls and some French dude – where’s the holy in that?

Holy Mackerel?

A Christmas advent (10)

2011-12-10T07:20:00.001+01:00

The Philladelphia connection (they know who they are) has been trying to pressurise Bitsnbobs (the blog under pressure) into a spiral of ever increasing excitement when it comes to the selections for this Musical Christmas Advent. (A Musical Christmas Advent is explained here).

Now, let’s be honest – this is like a little kid on Christmas Eve.

You know what will happen – you get more and more excited, you start to go red, then you are sick and you miss the whole thing!

You have to pace yourself.

Expectation needs moments of meditation.

And here it is.

Ok, I admit, I’m stretching the definition of Christmas musical ditty here but hey – did we ever define it?

Oh, by the way, it’s in French – I’m sorry if you don’t speak French, but this is a good reason to start learning.

Here is the first quarter of the lyrics, to help.

And here’s a link to the artist – Grand Corps Malade.

A l'arrivée du mois de décembre
j'ai bien regardé,
la hauteur de ciel descendre
et l'hiver arriver

j'étais presque content de le voir
en l'observant se déployer
j'ai mis une veste au-dessus de ma veste
pour pas trop cailler

j'ai vu la nuit qui tombait tôt
mais les gens qui marchaient plus vite
j'ai vu la chaleur des bistrots
avec de la buée sur les vitres

là dessus la nature est fidèle
j'ai vu le jour se lever tard
j'ai vu les guirlandes de Noël
qui me foutent le cafard ?
j'ai aimé avoir les mains gelées
pour les mettre au fond de mes poches
j'ai adoré marcher dehors
quand tu sais que la maison est proche

j'ai souris bêtement
en voyant qu'il n'y avait plus
de fleurs sur les balcons
j'ai regardé le ciel tout blanc
y avait même des flocons

certains matins j'ai vu que le givre
avait squatté derrière les fenêtres
j'ai vu les gens revenir du ski
avec la marque des lunettes

je commençais juste à m'y habituer
mais les jours ont rallongé
j'ai compris que le printemps
allait emménager

A Christmas advent (9)

2011-12-09T07:47:00.003+01:00

How do you follow Bing and Bowie if you are doing a Bitsnbobs(the blog with dilemmas) musical Christmas advent?

And trying to keep up momentum?

And satisfy the crowds?

The critics?

The fans?

A Christmas advent (8)

2011-12-08T07:05:00.000+01:00

Special day.

Immaculate.

So…

Something special.

A Christmas advent (7)

2011-12-07T07:51:00.000+01:00

Winston.

Seven letters.

Today – number seven in the Bitsnbobs (the blog that counts) Christmas Advent .(full details available here)

It could be a coincidence.

It could be devilish planning.

Either way – here’s George.

A Christmas advent (6)

2011-12-06T07:04:00.001+01:00

What have Chuck Berry, Gayle Peevey, Bruce Springsteen, Natalie Cole and Kate Bush have in common?

Bitsnbobs!! (The blog that’s common).

Because all five of them feature, in that order, in the soon to be (hopefully) amazing Bitsnbobs Advent Calendar Musical Whatsit, of which you are looking at the fifth part.

To be honest one person has already said “fantastic” so that’s pretty good – even if they are trying too flatter to gain influence.

Ignoring their pressure to influence for the moment, where should we go with number six?

Well obviously a group effort is called for what with five solo artists so far and a few more to come.

So here’s Train.

Yeah, I know Coca Cola snaffled it up for an ad; that’s a bummer but I think they might have snaffled up Father Christmas himself!

Double Bummer!!

A Christmas advent (5)

2011-12-05T07:34:00.002+01:00

Should Dolly Parton’s “Hard Candy Christmas” be part of this yuletide Bitsnbobs Advent?

This is a question that is beginning to trouble me.

I came across the ditty whilst researching the next 26 posts and the four that preceded this one, but it hadn’t made the initial cut of what, admittedly, is an incomplete list.

Then the emails started coming in, suggesting at first, imploring afterwards and now practically begging.

How did anyone know?

It’s a mystery.

But Christmas itself is a bit of a mystery.

It’s a nice ditty I must say; some might venture that it’s a bit girly; most of me agrees that her voice is as good as she looks – but is any of that enough to put it in or out?

I don’t know – but I’ll listen to it again.

Meanwhile – in an attempt to add a bit of credibility to my fading chic-credentials, to try to appear at the cutting edge of innovation but mainly because I like the idea of a demo version with the words fire and snowball – here’s Kate.

A Christmas advent (4) (thought of the day 44)

2011-12-04T11:04:00.002+01:00

Hey – what’s going on?

What do you mean – what’s going on?

What IS wrong with you – I mean, “what is going on?” How clear is that?

Well obviously not clear enough mate. Do you mean “what is going on in Palestine?’ or “What is going on in Paris, Texas?”

What IS going on in Paris, Texas?

The film or the town?

Why are you asking me?

Because you asked me!

I don’t understand you – Paris the town?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Palestine?

I don’t know.

You don’t know?

No, it’s all very confusing. Some of the finest minds have tried to sort it out, I think they are waiting for a saviour.

Ah – that’s it. That’s exactly it – what is going on here?

Here?

Yes. Here, here! Here on Thought of The Day, the special bit of bitsnbobs – the blog with .. er.. two bits I guess….

You mean the video?

I do.

You could have said.

I just did.

True, but we could have saved megapixels of space or something.

Megapixels?

Or digital, doobies – whatever these words are made up of.

I don’t think it’s megapixels.

What do you know?

Obviously NOTHING!! That’s why I started with – “what’s going on here?”

Ah, but you didn’t you see. You said, “what’s going on ?”. There was no “here”.

And the here was important?

And the now.

Look mate, cut to the chase – what is going on with the videos, here, now, on Thought of The day on Bitsnbobs?

It’s a special.

A special?

A special.

It already Is a special – it’s my Thought of The day!

OUR Thought of the Day – remember?

Oh yes. Sorry. So what have you done with it?

Me?

Us?

It was THEM.

Them?

It.

It?

He who is, the one, the creator and all knowing.

Ah – exactly - the saviour!

The?

A?

Yes, better – I don’t think he/it/she is cut out for The Palestine Problem.

She?

No, silly, it’s a he in this case.

You?

You?............... Anyway, what’s the problem?

The video.

Oh yes, it’s a special, a Bitsnbobs (the blog with special) special.

And?

Advent, approach to Christmas, musical etc etc etc . It’s all explained here.

Ah, hang on…… ok… got it. So what do we do with the film reviews we usually do here?

Have you been to the movies recently?

No.

Ok, don’t mention it – let’s instead introduce Sundayness to the musical special.

Sundayness?

Yes you were talking about the, or a, Saviour – and today would be the first Sunday of advent if we were religious and I’m a bit old fashioned and I think there should be a bit of mystic in the Christmas mix so we might get a nice thub scene going if we introduce some sundayness.

Thub scene?

Yes, sorry, I meant sub theme – it was a slip of the thumb I was hoping you wouldn’t draw attention to it.

Ok, I won’t.

Thank you.

You’re welcome – yes.

Yes?

Yes – let’s do it – let’s introduce a thub scene.

You said you wouldn’t.

Wouldn’t what?

Mention Thub scene.

I didn’t – you did. Twice now!

Go away!

Thub scene, thub scene, thub scene, thub scene, thub scene...

A Christmas advent (3)

2011-12-03T12:45:00.005+01:00

Oh come on, not so bad eh – the Bitsnbobs Christmas 2011 advent Calendar musical thingy? (explained here)

Chuck Berry AND Gayla Peevey already and we’re only on the third day!

I know, I know, you don’t feel very Christmassy, it’s still miles away etc – but you know what?

It’s All about expectation.

Everything comes to those who wait.

But…

But?

Yeah, already the critics are in ....... “I much preferred it to Chuck Berry”!!!

Which, i think you will agree, puts a lot of pressure on selection number three.

After all we want to do things better and better here on Bitsnbobs – the blog with BnB – but can we really expect to continually build to a crescendo over 31 days?

Unlikely.

So I have sat here all morning with the scribbled-on-the-back-of-an-envelope list - which still has a few gaps and one song that features three times – jiggling, juggling, repositioning trying to find a number 3 that will keep everyone on board the project.

I choose this – partly because of the raw energy, but mainly because if you don’t like Bruce you must be mad.

AND, and this is a big AND , he has just announced his intention to tour in 2012 and he’s in Barcelona on the Thursday of a holiday weekend, in the Olympic Stadium, and although it wasn’t on my Christmas List linked yesterday, going to see him and his band in concert has been on that to-do list for a long time.

In his introduction he admits – ok this is a little early – it is Day 3? – but I decided it’s time to buy myself my first Christmas Present.

Because if I don’t buy tickets today, it’ll be sold out for sure.

Now, who can lend me some cash?

A Christmas advent (2)

2011-12-02T11:51:00.003+01:00

Ok – if you are keeping up you will know that;

a) It’s December.

b) This is Bitsnbobs – the blog with bits, bobs and the N factor.

c) Yesterday we (the team and I) started the Bitsnbobs 2011 Advent Calendar where you open up the portal and get a little jingle.

d) This is the second in a 31 part series because even though Advent usually finishes on the 24 it has been decided that here in Bitsnbobs land we are going right through to the end of the year!

So….

I wanted to get this one out of the way early.

Not because I want one for Christmas – My letter to Santa is here – but because it is so so so bad I’m, embarrassed to include it.

But let’s face it - finding 31 songs has not been easy.

A christmas advent (1)

2011-12-01T20:29:00.002+01:00

And then – BAM! – It’s December!

Seems like only yesterday I was writing this -http://bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com/2011/01/happy-camembert.html

Actually, it seems like only yesterday that I was cutting this- http://bitsnbobsshowntell.blogspot.com/2009/11/one-small-cut-for-man-one-giant-leap.html - but since I saw you this morning and you are now sweet sixteen, and never really been kissed before, it can’t have been yesterday.

It must, I grumblingly accept, be about 16 years ago.

But I drift!!!

It’s December!

Thank god November is over – what a month – brilliant skies but……….

Let’s not dwell – let’s look ahead – wow – a whole month!

Christmas is coming!

The end of the year!

Resolutions!

Humbug!!!!

Now – here on Bitsnbobs – the blog with what’s-its-name – we like to mark the month in someway.

I think the most successful attempt was the filmed advent calendar of 2009.

You can relive it here – though remember it gets better as the month progresses, and I get to grips with the camera and editing and stuff.

This year – yes – here we go – I’ve decided that the “door” of the advent calendar is the Bitsnbobs portal itself.

If you come, open the door, each day there will be a little treat.

Yes year it’s going to be musical.

Every day a little “Christmassy” musical treat.

Ok, not particularly original, but it will be a nice collection of classics (yes Slade are in there), festive cheer and hopefully a few surprises.

Of course the boffins in research and design have said – “hang on sunshine, advent, 24, doesn’t that leave an awkward gap at the end of the year?”

Yes.

“So?”

Ok – 31 musical posts to take us into the New Year.

Bearing in mind that none of us are feeling Christmassy at the moment, I will try to build to a nice cosy Christmassy feel of firelight and friendship along the way.

And to kick off we start with this – yeah I know it’s not Christmassy as such – but it fits the beginning of the post, gets us geared up to the idea and it’s in black and white.

Christmas should be black and white.

With maybe just a dash of red and green here and there.

Midnight Seven.

2011-11-30T00:05:00.003+01:00

The room is small… six paces wide.

Probably the same long - which makes it square, a yellow and white square, with a splash of green.

It’s two paces from where I stand to the desk.

On the desk there are; a keyboard, computer, printer, two empty mugs, an egg timer, a roll of sticky tape, two wallets, a phone, a live box, a box of slides, a box of notes, a screwdriver, your present, my watch, a pen (ballet dancer), another pen (a flower in a pot), a tin (Barbie pasta shapes) of pens, another pen (cat) – I like pens – I like cats too – scissors, a mouse, a letter to you, two stones (real – one from a volcano, one from Brighton), a mushroom (not real – it’s a pencil sharpener/rubber).

And a bottle of Californian Zinfandel wine and a galss.

Glass!

The bottle is emfty.

Empty!

The glass has one slug left.

Throw Roses in the Rain.

2011-11-29T22:12:00.006+01:00

Yesterday the sky fell-in, fog clouded the world and it seemed as if the whole world was crying.

Round here at least.

This morning I didn’t want to wake up so I opened only one eye.

The sun was shining.

I was amazed.

I stepped outside, a warm wind from the south lifted hope from the earth and the sky rejoiced.

I decided to walk across the meadow, wet with dew.

Wouldn’t it be awful, I thought, if something you dreamt about could only exist in one time and place; if the universe could conspire to order our heart’s desires to a timetable?

Wet dew will do that to me.

Once it has penetrated my pyjama legs.

Then I remembered that tramps talk of dew baths and I hesitated.

I was alone.

No one would see.

It wouldn’t take long to loose these pyjamas.

And the dew is sparkling in this southern sun.

Then I knew.

Spontaneity laughs at order.

Even the universe’s.

Show a little faith.

There's magic in the night.

Duty Bound not to be Free.

2011-11-28T18:13:00.003+01:00

I haven’t taken my dictionary and looked up a word for, well ….., a very long time.

In fact… hang on…. yep, here it is….. March 11th.

That’s almost 9 months!!

So today I’m going to look up two words – duty and priority.

My dictionary is a hefty Collins English – Dictionary and Thesaurus; it’s blue, hard back but the front cover is loose – I tried to repair it some years back but now the sticky tape isn’t, and the front cover is loose.

There is a dried pomegranate juice stain on the back cover.

I need to look up duty and priority because I was thinking about freedom and …..

Hang on, yep; I’d better look up freedom too.

Because it’s Monday, the week stretching ahead of me should be one of clear uninterrupted freedom and yet…

Yet.

So I started to ask the question “where lies my duty” and “where lies my priority?”

And then I asked, “are they the same?”

Then I asked, “What’s the difference?”

And that I when I decided I needed to pick up my dictionary.

Clearly I have way too much time on my hands!

Well, here is what it tells me…

Duty - Task or action that a person is bound to perform for moral or legal reasons, the force that binds one morally or legally to one’s obligations, a job or service allocated.

Hmmm, I might have to look up obligations too.

Ok, I have, it says the same – so clearly obligations and duties in my dictionary are the equal.

Exciting!

Time now to look up….

Priority - the condition of being prior.

What?

Hang on… there’s more..

Priority (continued) – something given specified attention.

Ah! Ha!!

My priority is clearly a victim of my duty!

Which brings us to ……

Freedom – hmmm, it’s a big section….. personal liberty as from slavery, serfdom etc..

Well, that’s not my case .. hang on … ok, number 7 – the power or liberty to order one’s own actions.

Bummer.

Thought of The day 43

2011-11-27T07:22:00.001+01:00

In a small dingy ~~brain~~ office! somewhere…..

Er, excuse me?

Yes?

I’ve noticed something.

Yes?

This is Thought of The Day 43.

Yes.

And it’s week 47 of the year.

Yes.

And we do Thought of The Day EVERY Sunday.

Yes.

Well, in that case, today should be Thought of The Day 47 shouldn’t it?

Yes.

I’ve noticed something else.

Yes?

You say - “yes” a lot.

Yes.

Is it because we had a whole month of Thoughts of The Day in August instead of the originally allotted 4?

Yes.

And we called all of those 30?

Yes.

So 31 was really 35?

Yes.

So shall we call today’s 47 then?

No.

Men Who Run With Goats.

2011-11-26T17:30:00.001+01:00

I am trying to run.

There is a hill, I can manage that, but the car I have to push is draining my energy.

How can you run when you have to push a car?

So I go to the garage, and the car is there in a pit, upside down with no wheels.

And now I am running but the corner is so sharp that I have to stop when a car comes along.

And this goat?

Where did that come from?

Is it following me?

Or with me?

Or me?

Anyways I hold it, and the car goes past.

Now I can take a short cut, but it means climbing a fence.

The owners, who are nearby, might be unhappy.

So I follow the steps that border their property.

And I wake.

Thank god – why was that so difficult?

Did I go to bed too late?

Drink one glass too much?

The morning does not bring joy and lightness.

I feel stuck.

Tied.

I have to go outside and dig a grave.

Does everything have to end?

Ashes to Ashes (cinderella)

2011-11-25T23:15:00.006+01:00

photo by minnie
A few days, a week or maybe a month ago, certainly before I started drinking from this bottle of wine….

Hang on…. I’ll check….

9th of November there you go – that’s, er ….. hang on….. 16 days ago?

Maths was never my best subject, even sober.

So… 16 days ago I was rude about my cat Cinders.

I feel very stupid now.

She lived with me for almost 18 years, tomorrow I will bury her.

I will think of the day, almost 18 years back when I took her to Spain and sat on the beach with her – I won’t think about yesterday.

And not the day, sixteen ago, when I heartlessly called her fat, not knowing that it was a tumour.

Humbug.

2011-11-24T09:34:00.003+01:00

I saw my first Christmas decorations yesterday.

I found it depressing.

I’m not sure that is the intended response, but…..

The sky was blue, temperatures were about 18c and I had wandered into a shopping centre.

Big mistake.

From the Archives 3

2011-11-23T07:16:00.001+01:00

From the Archives is an ongoing, yet very occasional section of this blog, where I send the office staff out and ask them to trawl through the unpublished half ideas, mostly ignored and forgotten that end up in “my documents”,

On days like today, near the fag end of the year, when I am bereft of inspiration I dust them off and publish them.

But that’s all, they are just dusted – they remain half ideas that probably should remain ignored and forgotten.

The first in the series was ok-ish; the second was a mess.

This is the third.
………

I went to that new supermarket today –you know, the one on the edge of town, bigger than four ordinary size supermarkets stuck together, where the staff use Vespas to get from one end of the aisle to the other.

And there was NOTHING that I can’t find in my local corner shop - just a lots more of it.

And Vespas.

There didn’t seem to be may people shopping so either everyone had already discovered there was nothing new or else it was lunchtime.

It WAS lunchtime so I bought a plate of something and sat at the edge of the café and watched all the people who weren’t there, not walking by.

Basil Perception

2011-11-22T18:25:00.003+01:00

There’s a guy down the market – big guy, has a vegetable stand.

Sells pumpkins, tomatoes, spinach, red cabbage, garlic – great garlic - beans, potatoes - sweet ones too - lettuce, rocket….

And basil.

Fresh basil.

Gathered at dawn -still touched with dew.

I bought some on Sunday and big guy said –

“That’s two weeks longer than last year.”

The autumn has been brilliant, still is, and the extra basil is just one of those treats.

When Tom was here in the late summer we bought some basil.

Tom said – “That basil smells like it wants to make love with you.”

You can’t argue with a professor of visual perception.

Unprofessional AGAIN!

2011-11-21T07:15:00.000+01:00

When I’m working I try to maintain a professional demeanour.

I think it’s only right.

The other day I was working with Valerie, helping her in English during a one to one session.

At one point she stopped what she was doing, looked across the table and said – “Please Chris, what means dick?”

And I’m afraid I giggled.

I couldn’t help it!

It was the way she said it!!

So seriously!

Valerie is a highly successful businesswoman, part of her job is entertaining (and being entertained by) international sales managers, so we had been role-playing a trip to the restaurant.

The role-play required her to ask me (the waiter) to explain something on the menu.

Because I had thought it would be more authentic and interesting I had drawn up a menu that included baked parsnips, toad in the hole and spotty dick.

She works in the cosmetic industry - I thought – it will be useful to see a different use for “spotty”.

“Dick” – she said it again, and reached for her dictionary.

“It doesn’t have any dick” – she said.

And I’m afraid I laughed.

Thought of The Day 42

2011-11-20T10:57:00.003+01:00

It’s incredible!

It is.

Amazing!.

Absolutely.

In Gaillac of all places!

Yes….. er ……what are we talking about?

Les Intouchables!

Sorry?

Les Intouchables!

Are you ill?

No.

Because for a moment I thought you were coughing; what did you say?

Les Intouchables.

Ah! The film, Les Intouchables?

That’s what I’ve been saying isn’t it?

You mean we’re ready for one of those Bitsnbobs Sunday only dialogues where you and me, who could be me and you have a natter about a film and try and mention Mary somewhere along the line?

I am! And it’s incredible, the cinema was sold out last Saturday, I got turned away! I couldn’t get a ticket; it’s amazing!

How can we talk about it then?

Well, we can say stuff like “incredible, amazing, Gaillac” etc but don’t ye worry!

Ye?

You.

Me?

Aye.

Is it a Pirate film then?

No.

Why shouldn’t me/ye worry then?

I went back on Sunday!

Ah good.

And it was sold out!

Ah, bad.

No, I bought a ticket Saturday evening so I got a seat!

Did you have to fight?

I got there half an hour early and the cinema was full! France has gone mad for this film!

So how did you get a seat?

The front row was empty.

Ah, you like the front row don’t you?

I do! I hate having heads in between me and the screen.

Wasn’t it too close?

I’m short sighted.

Ah.

That’s the third time you have said “Ah”

Yeah, at school they taught me the Three Rs.

Actually that’s the fifth time you have said “Ah” this morning, I just checked. You know, Mary will pull us up on that.

But it would spoil the joke.

Yes but Mary is a stickler for these sort of things.

A tickler?

She maybe, I don’t know.

Nor do i.

It may be fun finding out.

Whatever, let’s move on to the film.

Difficult if you are one of the main characters, he was in a wheel chair.

One of the main characters? How many were there?

Two.

Was the other one in a wheelchair?

No, he gets hired to look after the guy who is, a sort of live-in help.

You’re not selling this film to me very well at the moment.

No? It was great.

Why?

The relationship between the two men, one wealthy and privileged yet in a wheelchair and therefore dependent, and the other poor and disadvantaged yet free.

Cinderella!

Ah….. one of my favourite stories, I saw a production once………

Hello?

Sorry, drifting… where were we?

Cinderella.

Ah, yes, green satin/silk……..

Hello!!!

Ooops, sorry – yes, good film.

That’s it?

What do you want a review to say? Tell you the story?

No I hate that; I want to see the story for myself. Tell me something insightful.

It’s based on a true story. Er… the acting is good.

Carry on.

It’s funny.

Yes.....

Touching.

Yeah – we haven’t really hit the “insightful” button yet have we?

It’s a love story.

Good.

Two love stories.

Two?

Yep - a main one and a secondary one.

Two love stories for the price of one ticket?

Yep, It’s incredible!

Amazing!

Sold out!

In Gaillac!!

Where is thy sting?

2011-11-19T15:06:00.003+01:00

I’m sorry, there’s another…..

I’ve told you before that when I run my brain bounces.

Random thoughts dislodge, drift up and jiggle around.

Today I went running, the air and sky are clear and the smell of nuts among the fallen leaves mingled with just a hint of late autumn pine.

And the thoughts started to dislodge, and Tom was with me.

Inevitably.

I only knew Tom a short time – he came to visit in September, parked his camper van in the meadow and introduced me to Sand Wine.

We drank a bit.

It was good.

He was a professor of visual perception by trade, something I had been meaning to pull his leg about because when he left here he forgot his egg slice.

I was quite happy as it was a significantly superior version to my own, but I wanted to send him an e-mail saying something like “not very perceptive of you eh!!?”.

I’m too late now, once again that lesson get’s rammed home – don’t put off ‘till tomorrow…..

There are many ways to die, we all do it…. Yet…..

I think Tom was happy, he had a nice evening, contacted loved ones, went to bed, never saw the morn.

He softly slipped away into his own dreams.

Too soon, too soon.

2011-11-18T09:22:00.003+01:00

Gerard is not Scottish.

When I asked him last night though, in my dream, he was.

And he told me how his mother, pregnant at the age of 14 had strode defiantly into the austere church school where he was eventually raised, and demanded that the brethren take care of him.

He wept uncontrolably as he remembered, so I held him.

Tight.

I wept too.

In fact, Gerard is French, he lives in the local village and I only know him a little.

He is the same age as me, I like him and he could be my friend.

He isn’t, he remains only someone I know, though our paths cross at times.

Last night we lingered on those paths.

He owns a shop in the local village; he is a photographer.

Micky too is a photographer.

But he lives in Spain.

He is a close friend, though I haven’t seen him for several years.

The last time was a few Christmases ago when, lighting the stove for tea I accidently set light to my pyjama sleeve.

Micky put me out; I have a black singe on my sleeve to remind me of the day he saved my life.

I wish i could have saved his.

In my dream Gerard had black hair and I held it in my hands as he wept.

Micky had black hair.

I spoke with him on the phone in the springtime; he promised to get better, to fight the cancer that had caught him.

He needed some time; he needed to disappear for a while.

Yesterday I got news from his wife.

Last night I said goodbye.

Feeling Lumpy

2011-11-17T20:45:00.001+01:00

I don't know what to write today....

So here's a lump of wood!

Something Like This.

2011-11-16T07:53:00.002+01:00

How do you imagine this place?

There are no stairs.

But......... a single corridor, the paint grey, peeling, leads to a kitchen fresh with the smell of new paint that cannot hide the monster of a boiler that dominates the room.

Belching smoke and fire, an untamed beast.

Two angels live there; one is older than the other. A little wiser. One has a broken wing the other can not, yet, see her own – her eyes are too wide and look only forward, dazzled, perhaps entranced from the white light that reflects off the distant lake.

The mountains hide the lake but the light is everywhere, even in the corridor of musty grey paint.

Weeds grow in the garden, but the light is here too and though there are no windows in the walls of the house, the light penetrates.

On the floor of the corridor, stacked but not forgotten are the treasures the angels hoard, though they are not hoarders, the colours that feed them though they eat only fish.

Fish from the distant lake.

Fish radiant with the light.

The fish give the angels life, and strength and eases their fears.

They are afraid of the beast that smokes and fires in their kitchen.

They cannot leave; the colours bind them and the beast will not be tamed – it built the house so there is a peace, a peace held by the light.

One room is the source of the light, if you enter there you will go mad, or be blinded and yet rejoice in that blindness.

Only one of the angels can enter there.

Only one can see the faded rose.

Melissa.

2011-11-15T07:24:00.003+01:00

I’m pretty sure, though it never happens to me, that someone, somewhere, turns to someone else (probably in the same place) and says – “how do you come up with ideas about what to write on your blog?”

With me it’s just – “WHY do you bother?”

But, if someone is interested in the HOW, then the answer is – Mrs Melissa Smith.

Mrs Melissa smith is not exactly a muse, but for the blogger or blogerette trying to finish the day’s e-mails, cook dinner, write a report and come up with a pertinent post for the morrow she is a godsend.

Though how god got to pay the postage I’m not sure.

Probably sent the son.

Mrs Melissa Smith wrote to me only yesterday – she’s a real doll! Here is what she said.

Hello, (nice informal tone)

Compliment of the day to you, (that’s nice eh?) I am Mrs. Melissa Smith a Widow, British Citizen based in Moscow, Russia. (Though your English isn’t really up to citizen standard is it?)

I was recently diagnosed of having (see?) Terminal Cancer with only weeks to live, i hereby bequeath to you my 20 Million Pounds to set up a Charity Organization to help people in need. (cool – I may not be the most worthy, but I AM in need and I can see how to spend 10 million right of the bat)

Please respond so i can have my Lawyer/Solicitor contact you with further details to receive this inheritance.

Yours Sincerely.
Mrs. Melissa Smith.
Moscow, Russia. (nice formal finish)

I don't have a lawyer at the moment so i sent her the phone number of that man who keeps ringing me up at tea time trying to sell me double glazing.

All Spill at Once!

2011-11-14T07:37:00.003+01:00

For three days the winds have been here.

Swirling, rushing, raging…

The trees are distraught, leaves scattering the stones of the house are groaning.

Is this autumn’s end?

Is winter, bullish, trying to impose?

Sometimes it sounds like the sea, crashing on ancient rock, sometimes it sounds like the banshees.

Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow! 
You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout 
Till you have drenched our steeples,
drowned the cocks! 
You sulphurous and thought-executing fires, 
Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts, 
Singe my white head!

(it IS white!)

And thou, all-shaking thunder, 
Strike flat the thick rotundity o' the world! 
Crack nature's molds, all germens spill at once 
That make ingrateful man!

(Actually I’m quite grateful!)

Thought of The Day 41

2011-11-13T09:31:00.003+01:00

I’ve been thinking.

ABOUT TIME! - You know, some of our readers were beginning to doubt.

You mean they were loosing faith that these Sunday-only-thought-of-the-day-specials-that-are sometimes-film-reviews-sometimes-insightful-musings would EVER answer their prayers?

I like the way we’ve managed to use doubt, faith and prayer already and we’re only four lines into the eulogy.

I second that and rejoice along side you.

Together in spirit!

And unity!

Amen! So – what were you thinking?

Well, more of a questioning really, but one, which I hope, will provoke a bit of thinking.

Fire away.

We’ve given up on the religious imagery then? You could have said fire and brimstone away.

I could have, but I didn’t.

Probably wise, one can overdo these things.

You were saying?

Yes, you know when someone releases a film and then in another country they show it with a different title?

I do.

Who decides the other title? It can’t be the director can it? Is there a committee? Or is it just someone’s aunt’s best friend’s cousin’s mate?

I detect a certain cynicism here, why do you ask?

Because I went to the cinema this week.

Ah! What did you see?

Well, there’s the rub - did I see The Help, because that was the title when the film was originally released, or did I see La Couleur des Sentiments because, although it was the original version, I saw it in France?

La Couleur des Sentiments? What’s that got to do with The Help?

That’s what I thought. Maybe they wanted to try and get a play on words in the title?

Is there a play on words in The Help?

Well, the story is about hired helps but there is also a woman who isn’t, that helps.

Can we quote you on that if we are asked for an insightful review?

Do you think it will do?

No.

Ah, you were being sarcastic.

A tad.

A tad?

A tad.

Who says “a tad” in 2011?

I do. Ok…. Changing the subject – as one can do when one has written the first flurry of words, gone off, had a cup of tea, a run, chopped some wood, eaten a pizza, slept, and woken up on a new morning – didn’t Saffron specifically tell you NOT to see the film until you had read the book?

I was desperate.

Desperate?

I had to go to the cinema; it had been so long, I needed to sit in a darkened room among strangers, my bum in a comfortable seat and my hand in a packet of maltesers.

She will be disappointed in you.

Because of the maltesers?

I think not. So – what did you think?

I was disappointed.

The acting? The story? Costumes?

The maltesers. There simply are never enough in a packet.

Coming back to the title – as one can do in an unstructured ramble like the one we are offering today – was there a play on words in the French title, La Coloeur des Sentiments?

Well, maybe the word colour; the film does depict black/white colour issues during the late fifties early sixties.

And the sentiments?

I liked the dresses.

More than the maltesers?

A perfect combination - mouth candy meets eye candy.

I’m not sure anyone reading this is going to think our review occupies the intellectual high ground.

Are you sure anyone IS reading this?

We will certainly find out if Saffron is – she’ll marmalise you for seeing the film before reading the book.

Marmalise? Where did that come from?

The Clithero Kid.

The Clithero Kid?

The Clithero Kid.

Who’s he?

A BBC comedy radio show of the late fifties and sixties.

You are showing your age!

Maybe, but tell me, is the film worth going to see? And try and say something pithy.

Pithy?

Pithy.

Who uses pithy in 2011?

I do.

YOU ARE showing age sunshine!

Whatever – was it?

Was it?

Worth it?

If you like Mad Men, the TV series, you’ll love it – because of the dresses, and you will admire the sets and the make up and the hair and if you like a film with good acting you won’t be disappointed – though to be honest what is the point of making a film with bad acting?

You were disappointed though?

Yes. The film looked good but it didn’t linger, I enjoyed the moment but ultimately I felt unfulfilled, maybe even cheated.

Cheated?

Well in the story the white woman helps the black women to write their history and the book is published and everything is presented as a coming out, emancipation moment. Except of course none of that really happened like that because the book was published in 2010 not in the 60’s.

Does that matter?

To a purist, yes – because the film isn’t presented as fiction, the tone is social realism. It’s as if someone is saying “wouldn’t it be great if this had happened” but then pretends that it did.

You’re a purist? Don’t make me laugh!

And I didn’t like the end.

The end?

Yes.

What happened?

The main character walked into the sunset.

What’s wrong with that? I thought you liked sunsets?

I do, but this was a metaphorical sunset and for me it was ruined by two things – one, when she turned left at the crossroads instead of continuing straight ahead and two, there was no sunset.

No sunset?

No, it was morning I think, but there was no future because what she was walking towards metaphorically didn’t exist because the past that it was built on hadn’t either.

I think you missed the point.

I think not - a darkened room among strangers, my bum in a comfortable seat and my hand in a packet of maltesers!!

Let’s hope Saffron can put you straight.

Unproffesionevilism

2011-11-12T08:13:00.005+01:00

I was talking to this guy on Friday – Eric – and he said, “I’m a camel”.

Eric is French, so English is not his first language - mine is and I was supposed to be helping him with his.

But I hesitated.

There is a part of me that finds it quite funny that French business men are wandering around the corridors of power introducing themselves to their European colleagues – “Hello, I’m Eric, I’m a camel.”

Is that evil?

Fare Ye Well

2011-11-11T18:03:00.004+01:00

I’ve been skitting around this all week – knowing that I would have to write something but unsure how to start; being stupid and jovial seemed easier.

When someone decides to stop living those left behind can do little but question.

“Why?” is perhaps foremost, but “what if?” is pretty close behind.

What if I had said this, offered that, been there or done ANYTHING different – would it have helped?

I last saw Tim a few weeks ago in the local market; he was with friends, his lover and maybe he even saw one of his three daughters that day.

I stopped, surprised to see him there - he isn’t usually in this part of the forest; after his divorce he moved out and across a couple of valleys, his daughters usually visited him over there – and we talked about the place where we worked together which was driving us both crazy.

He told me that his crazy had been a bit more clinical, but he seemed well and spoke of resolution for the months ahead.

I said, “See you soon” and went of to buy tomatoes.

I’m not going to beat myself up about that, but I’ve asked myself a lot this week if I could have done more.

And the answer is, probably not.

Which leaves me feeling pretty lost at the enormity of what exactly it means when someone disappears, leaving goodbye notes for people he loved and leaving a computer turned on connected to a site to which he had turned to for help in ending it all.

When I came home midweek and found my own daughter in tears and listened to the graphic details that her best friend, Tim’s eldest, had provided I was stunned.

Nothing about the circumstances offered any joy, yet the police who have searched the river where his bag was found have been unable to find him.

Is it wrong to hope when nothing is proven?

How can anyone grieve without that final knowledge?

I know that people do sometimes wander away, start a new life and never look back (I think), but this time it doesn’t look like that.

But maybe?

Maybe my friend and colleague, the man who gave me my first job here in France and with whom I have worked these last 11 years, simply walked into a sunset somewhere else.

That would be nice.

Paper?

2011-11-10T08:56:00.002+01:00

Ok, ok, ok!

I know!

The extended joke of the last two days was not brilliant, but I had to try.

You know how it is here at Bitsnbobs (the Blog with bruises) - we like to experiment.

If anyone remains perplexed – yesterday’s joke was the “when you get old you forget everything” type of joke.

You know, where you end up repeating yourself because your memory is shot?

So, just in case you remain perplexed – yesterday’s joke was the “when you get old you forget everything” type of joke.

Sorry – it’s hard to resist.

Here’s yesterday’s moon – it should be full tonight.

Very Loopy

2011-11-09T13:47:00.002+01:00

Loopy

2011-11-08T07:15:00.000+01:00

My cat is old.

17, almost 18 old.

She looks like a football with four legs.

Fat.

She won’t stop eating, the legs seem smaller and smaller, the football bigger and bigger; I’m worried she will burst.

Apparently there’s this thing you can get when you are old – inability to remember what you have just done.

She forgets that she has just eaten.

Bummer!

My cat is old.

17, almost 18 old.

She looks like a football with four legs.

Fat.

She won’t stop eating, the legs seem smaller and smaller, the football bigger and bigger; I’m worried she will burst.

Apparently there’s this thing you can get when you are old – inability to remember what you have just done.

Bummer!

My cat is old.

Etc etc

You're nuts!

2011-11-07T07:20:00.000+01:00

I was invited to a November 5th bonfire night get together, by some neighbours who live up the road.

There was no bonfire, it was raining and foggy, but we had five fireworks.

There was, however, a LOT of food.

Someone held out a dish of roasted nuts and offered me one.

“Cashew?”

“Bless you”, I replied.

I thought it was very funny.

Still do actually.

Thought of The Day 40

2011-11-06T09:14:00.010+01:00

As the rain settles on another fading November autumn day, we find our two Sunday protagonists deep in a head to head looking for a Thought of The Day…..

Weird!

Weird?

Weird.

Er…. what was?

That.

That?

That.

Er…. what that?

Her.

Her?

Yep.

You’re not making a lot of sense this morning brother.

Brother?

It’s a turn of speech; I’m expressing endearment.

Oh.

So what’s going on?

My wife popped in, read a few pages of the blog turned and said – “you need a girlfriend mate.”

She did?

She did.

There’s a thought.

What?

Interesting thought. Let’s run with it?

Run with it? What are you talking about? Where to?

Paris!

Paris?

Paris!!

Now you’re not making sense what are you talking about?

My girlfriend!

You haven’t got a girlfriend.

I know, but what a thought eh?

You're mad, what would YOU do with a girlfriend?

Paris!!

I’m lost.

Paris mate! I’d meet her in Paris!

What now? November?

Why not?

Because you go to Paris in the Spring.

Don’t have to.

Do.

Don’t.

Do, do, do.

Don’t, any time is a good time, even in the November rain.

Why Paris? Why not - I don’t know - Barcelona? It’s probably sunny there.

Rick.

Rick?

Rick.

Eh?

Then I could be Rick.

Who’s Rick?

Me.

No you aren’t.

No, I know, but I could be, I’ve always wanted to be and he said it in the rain.

What are you talking about?

Rick!! Casablanca, Lisbon, the rain.

I thought we were talking about Paris.

We are.

You just said Lisbon.

I did?

Yes.

Oh, yes, that’s because in Casablanca Rick turns to his girlfriend and says – “We'll always have Paris.”

Casablanca?

Casablanca.

Not Lisbon?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes.

How can Casablanca be Lisbon?

It isn’t.

Can we start again?

Sure. Weird!

Weird?... No… I didn’t mean start this conversation again….. I meant explain it.

If I had a girlfriend I’d go to Paris than I could say to her whenever we met in the rain in Lisbon, or at the airport in Casablanca about to get the plane to Lisbon, “we’ll always have Paris.”

But you don’t have a girlfriend, who would WANT to be your girlfriend anyway?

That’s irrelevant.

No it isn’t, you would never be able to say, “we’ll always have Paris,” would you?

No, but then I could say, “we’ll always COULD have had Paris.”

I’m not sure that that is grammatically sound.

Me neither.

The (promised) Dog.

2011-11-05T18:34:00.002+01:00

I run – told you this before.

At the top of the track I usually turn left; the other day I turned right.

Ok, ok…. In fact I FORKED right, but what is important here is that I set off for pastures new.

Which, inevitably lead me to a choice between doing what I normally do, but the other way round (anti clockwise), or turning right by the old windmill.

I turned right.

This meant that I met a new dog.

Which barked - they always do.

Which ran to the wall and looked threatening – they always do.

Which jumped over the wall and headed straight for me – they don’t always do.

Excuse my grammar.

Now I pride myself that Bisnbobs (the blog that you are reading) is at the forefront of giving helpful advice. Just the other day we had “how to survive a chickpea attack”, four years ago I offered “how to survive an earthquake” and today it’s what to do about that dog.

And this will be the best “what to do if a mean and nasty dog comes running at you” advice you will ever get.

And it works.

Honest – I have tried it in Mexico (the original source of this piece of advice was the People’s Guide To Mexico, fourth edition), Peru, Spain, London, Australia and France.

Stop, I know it seems daft, and bend down as if you are picking up a rock, and then raise your arm as if you intend to throw it.

It doesn’t matter if there is or isn’t a rock, the dog senses something on an instinctive level, handed down gene to gene from Stone age times and will turn, whimper and disappear with tail between leg.

Leaving you free to puff off into the distance.

A wife, a hammock and a dog.

2011-11-04T12:48:00.003+01:00

At the weekend I sent an e-mail to my ex-wife; we haven’t communicated in any form during the last sixteen years or so, before that very rarely and although I don’t think there remains any animosity between us I suspect that my e-mail surprised her.

I labelled it “out-of-the–blue” to acknowledge that I was aware that this might be so, and then after a quick “hello it’s me” I went on to outline the purpose of this sudden reappearance.

In fact the “hello it’s me” was VERY quick as I really didn’t know what to say to help her place me – so I settled for “your ex ex”; I knew there had been at least one other who didn’t stay the course after me, and I thought that the double “ex” had a nice “even those days are gone” ring about it.

Talking of rings, another friend called me the other night and told me that HER ex – an ex that had dumped her unceremoniously and left her pretty much in the shit – had been in contact because he wanted to recommend that she get the same telephone as him.

And she had thought this normal enough to get the telephone.

I thought this was weird.

I told her so.

I even suggested that British telecom could recommend just as many telephones without any hidden agendas and that she should disconnect immediately.

But I was a tad drunk at the time, so she ignored me.

My ex- wife ignored me too, which is a real shame, as I needed to know which edition of The Peoples Guide to Mexico we had bought together thirty-seven years ago.

I needed the information because I wanted to tell you about a dog I met whilst I was running on Monday.

I wanted to check the source of a reference to hammocks and to do that I was considering bidding for a copy of the fourth edition of the People’s Guide To Mexico that I had found on E-Bay.

I guess I could have made it all up – but I like to instil a sense of integrity here on Bitsnbobs.

I figured that she may still have the copy on her bookshelves, the only thing I had ever known her to throw away was me (I) - and I was hoping she would have a quick look and email me back.

She didn’t.

She probably thought I was being as creepy as I thought telephone-guy was.

More about the dog and the hammock another day

Painful Reminder.

2011-11-03T07:52:00.002+01:00

My sister, bless her cotton socks, sent me an e-mail the other day.

She asked how I was, gave me news of her next exotic holiday and then pointed out that our mum, whose birthday it could have been last month, died in her 62nd year.

She then asked how old I am.

56.

It was her, by the way, who destroyed my youthful belief in Father Christmas.

Who needs a god to remind you of your own mortality when you have a sister?

Advice for Chics

2011-11-02T07:54:00.003+01:00

I would hate it if Bitsnbobs (the blog which, if it doesn’t have brains, has prawns*) was criticised for not helping others.

I mean, I ask you, what IS the point of a blog if it doesn’t reach out to help others?

So….

If you find yourself following a recipe – chickpea and pumpkin salad – and when you get to the bit that says, “1-2 small red chillies, deseeded, membrane removed, finely chopped” you do the first bit with your fingers….

And when the mixture is cooking alone in the oven you decide to jump into a hot steaming bath…..

And instinctively you throw hot water over your face, repeatedly, and then rub the healing splash into your face……

You WILL end up with burning eyes.

Might be best not to touch your willie either.

* joke (prawns/brawn) The Editor.

The Day of The Greed.

2011-11-01T08:57:00.003+01:00

I don’t know if they said anything specifically about the Day of The Dead, but them Buddhists have pretty much got an answer to EVERYTHING ELSE!

Especially the Zen ones.

Just the other day one wrote to me and tried to explain what and why - what greed is and why it is an impediment to happiness.

“Any moving towards is greed, turning your head slightly because you want more warm sun on your face (greed).” They explained.

Except they hadn’t.

Explained.

That would, perhaps, constitute “moving towards” – something I realized no longer meant something to do with driving the car; without being very much clearer exactly WHAT it was.

Though it seemed that if I did too much of it may not be good, and if I had then I was guilty of greediness - and that would explain any unhappiness I might have been feeling of late.

And yet, since November is a month when the sun is fading and in which I feel pretty certain I want to do some moving towards – this is why I’ve labeled it, on this blog, as November's Overtures – I thought I had better make sure I was either greed free or greed glee.

So I went online and listened to this guy – I’m pretty sure he’s a Buddhist; either that or he is pretty greedy about orange.

I picked him because a woman I bumped into completely by chance mentioned him in a monologue when I asked her – “did you do your homework?”

Ok, that doest really count as chance I guess – I mean, if I had asked her to do some homework and then a week or so later I got to say; “did you do it” there must have been some sort of planning eh?

So it was random in that it isn’t me that does that planning ok?

Nor her.

It’s all down to Aline who is not a Buddhist.

Least I don’t think so.

She does have a weird Japanese style tattoo on her shoulder though, so she might be.

Thinking about it I did offer her a choice of chocolate or flowers - she had helped graciously sorted out some scheduling problems - she said, “save your money”.

Could that be considered as Buddhist?

She DOES know how little money I earn – so maybe not, but her attitude to chocolate, apparently, would make the guy in the video, I am assuming you followed the link, pretty happy.

I think.

Though in fact, his message maybe that he doesn’t need anything to make HIM happy.

I might.

But I shouldn’t be greedy!

OOOOOOH!

2011-10-31T13:39:00.003+01:00

All Saint’s eve....

Hallowed eve.....

Halloween.......

The pumpkin is lit;

I’m wearing my striped orange underwear.

So if anything happens, i'm ready!

I'm not EXPECTING any trouble but.......

A couple of years ago some weird stuff came to pass.

Thought of The Day 39

2011-10-30T09:28:00.002+01:00

Blimey, what a week that was, are you all right now?

No thanks to you!

What do you mean? I’m always here for you.

Sunday maybe, but there IS/ARE six other days in the week you know.

Oh, you’re ok, apart from your grammar; you are perfectly capable of managing on your own and anyway, all those women telling you that they loved you.

Yeah?

Yeah!

One said - “stroke me”.

THAT is interesting!

She’s a CAT!

That reminds me – how would you pronounce Ghoti?

Fish.

You Can Rest. (Eucharist) It's a pun!

2011-10-29T16:48:00.003+02:00

I like running.

I set off this morning – up track and through forest – autumn dripping in the early morning mists.

I needed to settle, got into a rhythm and found myself a long way from home.

It took me an hour and five minutes to get back.

When I got home I filled the bath with hot water, slipped in, soaked and softened.

Then I had a huge plate of egg, bacon and toast – you have to replace some calories – then filled up a mug with fresh made coffee and sat down to write this.

My orange coffee mug.

Orange – the colour of joy; and, with a lot of yellow, today’s autumn.

When I run my brain bounces.

When my brain bounces ideas get dislodged; it’s a bit like the chaff coming away from the wheat at harvest time.

Hey – you know that guy St Paul?

Do you remember when he was on the road to, to, er….., hang on……. Damascus!

How could I forget that?

I wonder if he was running?

Anyhow, although I was nowhere near Damascus I had a sort-of-st-paul moment during my jog.

Some of those grain-ideas slipped out and it went like this….

Think, think, puff, puff….

….i got a bit depressed yesterday and the day before, puff, think, …on Tuesday I wrote about those Irish Nuns..puff..think… what was it the man said….puff…even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me….puff… must look that up, was it a song?...puff….blimey, I wonder….puff… I told those nuns I was trying my own way and look at me!, black and despondent… puff… surely not… puff… think… what was that dream I had a couple of weeks ago…puff… the woman who needed communion wine and those wafer bread things they give you in church to stop her being sick… puff ‘’ that was a bit heavy wasn’t it?.. think, puff… god those trees are beautiful… god? … puff… why did I say that?... puff… think… puff…hang on!!!!!

And that was the Saul/St Paul/Road to Damascus moment!

Ok, no blinding light, though to be honest when I woke up this morning I couldn’t see out of my left eye!

It’s ok now.

Probably the booze.

…puff….puff… what did that guy say about dreams?...puff… that everybody in your dream represents a part of you… puf…!!!!!!!

IT”S ME THAT NEEDS THE COMMUNION BREAD AND WINE!

Could it be?

Could all this gloom be down to me having wandered away from the Lord and all I need to do is welcome him/her/it back?

It’s just as well it’s Sunday tomorrow!

The Dark Mist - lifting?

2011-10-28T07:42:00.006+02:00

Last night I was too depressed, tonight I’m going to get drunk!

What the hell eh?

Who cares anyway?

There is a risk of course, it could go either way, I might get happy, I might get sad.

What the hell eh?

Who cares?

But!

But - I had better write this before I pass out.

Dreams last night were shit!

I woke in a black hole in the interior of a black hole at the bottom of a septic mine shaft.

You know the sort of place.

Croydon.

I couldn’t shake the gloom. It began to build behind my eyes, my forehead started to furrow, I looked like the Hulk about to explode.

I went to town with dark clouds scowling over me.

What the hell eh?

Who cares?

Woof.

2011-10-27T19:58:00.004+02:00

An exceptionally long time ago a young dark haired Spanish woman took me to The Prado Museum in Madrid.

She showed me this painting - known now as Goya’s Dog.

It is part of a series called The Black Paintings.

I guess she was depressed.

Wikipedia explains that - “uncommissioned and never meant for public display, these pictures reflect his darkening mood, with their depictions of intense scenes of malevolence, conflict and despair.”

Looks pretty happy to me.